Looks like everything is back to normal, everyone's smiling again. Still i dare not let my guard down.
Jie and CP just went offline, my mom is starting to nag me abit too. I started thinking, but these don seem to be happy thoughts.
I was trying to remember how i ended up here, what are my goals on this road. I still remember 1 thing i said to myself at the very beginning.
I thought, this was going to be like everyone else i met so far, just stay awhile, settle the problem, and i disappear after it is done. But its different, its lasting longer, giving me more enjoyment, meeting people i really want to care about. I finally found something i feel close to.
But all the thoughts are shattered by one thing. What if im done here, what happens after all is done, is it just going to end just like that again?.. tears flow from my eyes as these are being thought, though i am not crying. What keeps coming to mind, is to make it last longer, but that will cause only more suffering and sadness, nothings pains me more then seeing those around me hurt, even the thought of being pushed aside does not bring that amount of pain.
I know, all the people reading this is going to say that they will always need me. And i know that i will stay here as long as they allow me. But eventually, a dried up leaf drops from the tree, falling to the grown and crumbling.
OMG!!! Im thinking so negatively again><
The last phase is almost complete, i don't know how i will react when i see if finished, will i be overjoyed that all the pains and suffering is over? or will i despair after undoing myself willingly? I have never been one to think of my outcome, and even if i do, as long as i served a purpose in someone's life, even if it means killing myself inside in the end, i will still be happy=). After all, im only human, if this was what was intended for me, to sacrifice all i have to help anyone, then i will do it happily.
Still i wonder what will be my outcome, already i feel abit of the neglect that comes when your use is over, will this neglect grow to the point to me being pushed aside?
I don't know, and probably won't want to, it just hurts to think about the loneliness i once suffered.
I really hope u guys won't leave me=(, i can't bear feeling the lonely and purposeless life i used to feel again... a friend is all i am now
Neglect? or
Thinking too much?
I don't know
It still feels
lonely at times
Learning to live with it
