Haiz, today of all days i feel down...
I just want the loneliness to go away, instead today it brought me more pains. Headache, stomach ache, tired even though i slept early, and my body felt so weak. If there wasn't anything to lean on i would have fell, all that on top of the heavy burning in my heart.
Worst still, now i don't feel like i can talk anymore, it was the feeling i had back when all i wanted was to watch, watch people's lives, not to intervene. I feel like i am invisible again, everything i say, everything i do, seems to do nothing, as if it was never done.
Eventually, i learn to not waste my breath and just stop talking...
I felt like i was being ignored by everyone...
I couldn't talk to jie cause she was buzy, and even if i tried, the reply will just come back slow or not at all. I don't blame them cause this is their time i understand, more do i blame myself for letting me slip so far...
I don't feel any light anymore, i close my eyes, hoping the light has not gone, but after today, i dare not hope again. Each hope seems to be crushed, striking me harder and harder. It seems like its easier not to hope, not to want.
I thought the loneliness could be eazed last night, jie wasn't that sleepy, i thought that night would not be lonely. But she needed to talk to ray, he hadn't talked to her since he came back, and who am i to stop her, he probably wanted to talk to her more. I told myself one thing, without anyone willing to sacrifice anything, nothing will be accomplished. Still that did not in anyway eaz my loneliness...
Jie is still out with cp, i hope they have a good time.
From the time i got home til now, all i did was sit and stare, thinking, trying to find away to eaz the loneliness. But the thought was interrupted when my sis brought her friends home. I retreated to the one thing that still seems like it can listen to me, the computer. Despite that it does not have life, it is the last thing that i can vent my feelings out on.
I know, almost no one reads my blog now, and i don't know why i still type so much here. I guess some hopes are harder to let go. I just hope that one of you guys would still be reading. But i guess like all the other hopes, fate will just use it to crush my spirit again...
So much pain, so much loneliness, so much anger, but no way to cure it. Thats what hits me the most.
Through all this, i find it hard to show it, everyone that talks to me, i just give them a short reply, online or while using the hand phone, i seem cheerful as if theres nothing happening to me...
I just need someone, just ONE, that can shine on me now.
Haiz, but thats just another hope to be crushed......
through all this i can't help but feel like i missed something, something that caused all these feelings to erupt in me.
But, im only me. I only can take so much of this before i breakdown myself, and i feel like im on the verge of giving up...
It seems like all this few weeks, the blog has only been about my feelings, it was never intended to be read, and it might well never be read...
Haiz, this is the first time i let my emotions affect me physically, i really have slipped, slipped far.
After im done posting this i will go back to staring at nothing i guess......
Feels like no one is shining on me anymore
Feels like im alone...
