I think the bottle in me has stopped filling already. Seems like talking about it really helps, smsed most of what i felt to jie in the morning and nearly got my handphone confiscated again by a more strict teacher for doing so lol=P. But yea, its still pretty full><. I guess i have to slowly work it out ba, at least the pressure has stopped rising, if it continues i think im going to blow anytime soon.
I realized alot of my fears, alot of my mistakes. Im afraid to be alone, to have no one to turn to, to pushed aside like a tool. Im afraid, to be left, to be forgotten, haiz, in my mind i did felt like i was being forgotten by everyone around me, i felt like i made so many mistakes that i have become obsolete, useless, to all that i felt close to.
Haiz, its scary to be alone, its as if life were a dark room, and the people you have with you lights it up, but the painful part, is watching all those people leave, every bright star in your life suddenly disappearing, making life that much dimmer, and darker.
I really hope i can never have this feeling again><, but then although my life is bright, they are lit up by few but bright stars, its my nature to find good friends, those that will never try and hurt me. But thats also what leaves me so vulnerable, so afraid to loose... so exposed to pain and sorrow to strike at me.
It is in human nature to find a group, to make their life brighter, but for me, i don't want to start picking off dim stars, that although keeps me more safe, are like empty balls of light with little purpose, no, i want to be bright differently, i want close friends, not just friends to protect me, but who will care for me.
I have made myself this way, as in the past although i had many friends, they were random, had no meaning and didn;t really give a shit about me. And i grew envy for the people who had little, but that much more caring friends...
I wan that type of life... I really do......
