Today just cam back from Ngee Ann poly, it was so freaking big lol. No didn't bring back any prize because of ALOT of rule change at the last minute. Haiz, was disappointed at that, i thought to myself, at least today i will still get to go home so i was still pretty happy.
Haiz, today was suppose to be a good day, how come it seems to end so wrong. When i came home, jie and cp was already spamming, rick was hbing, immediately Ray appeared upset, and that was the first problem of the day, it took awhile before we managed to talk some sence into him, by that time i was reminded i needed to go to my grandma's house at night...
I thought to myself, minor set back, after i come home i can finally enjoy being back with the people i missed. AHHHHHHH, FUCK MYSELF FOR THINKING THAT!!! Jie called just before i left my grandma's place, she sounded so upset><, but my mom and dad was there, and so i can't talk too openly like i always do. I told her i will call when i got home. She didn't answer, and so i found her on maple spamming again. She seems so upset, and that made the bottle feelings in me to leek out abit, i really wanted to know what had happened... she just wasn't in the mood to talk yet. It is these times that i hate myself for being part of the background of it all...
And now pains and anger is bottled up again, giving me pain as the bottle over fills and pressure of sadness build up in my heart.
How could a day i've been looking forward to turn out so FUCKING wrong. I guess i blame myself, every time i look forward to something, everything just falls apart. I don't know, probably i curse that i carry...
Haiz its starting to get painful to push my problems aside, but the only people that i trust with sharing it with all have their own problems. I don't wan to be a burden at this time of distress for them, and yea, i guess i can't expect too much, im just another person in their lives......
Perhaps when everything has calmed down for them, and their not in such distress that i cause them that much more problems, but i don't dare to hope too much anymore, it hurts to see hope being crushed like that...
Haiz, it is times like these that being alone for so long actually comes in useful, i guess i can hold on, for how long is my question
