Its been awhile since i sat down to think about how things have been going. So much has changed, 5 months ago i met jie, and only a month ago i met darling<3. Still theres so much that i know hasn't change, and so much i wish could change.
Life in school, i know it should be one of the best of my life. But i have to pretend every time i walk in. I have to pretend, to be with friends, i have to the person i want to be inside me. All that normally vanishes after i get home. Now i am home, and now i am myself. But somehow, now i feel a hunger to be free of school. Not forever, just for this holiday=).
I think of all the commitments i made in school, and i go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I wish i hadn't... but whats done is done...
Now a my bridging programs come to an end, i feel so excited=). I WILL FINALLY WAKE UP FREE!!!!!
But, now, one questions hits me. Whats freedom, with restrictions? I still have my cca to attend, and a world of nagging to endure from my cabin counselor. The chance for freedom only comes that many times in one's life, and mine are draining away.
As ice in my drink melt, so does the freedom i feel. Hopefully the holidays give me enough time to pull myself back again.
This is one of the things i kept to myself for quite awhile, still it is one that i only just realized. The restlessness, the eagerness to burst out, the pain and agony i go through when i go to school these few days, can all be explain by this lack of freedom i feel.
Now one last thing remains. With little friends to turn to, what can i do during the holidays? Haiz, i don't know, for now im looking forward to waking up, to see an empty home. Thats all i need. Though i may feel lonely, the pain and sorrow i feel cleanses my soul, allowing me to feel refreshed, and for the moment, freedom=).
Besides, im not alone. Thats all i need to remember, Jie, CP, darling<3, will all be just a phone button press or a keyboard typing away=).
Still, WHY DON'T I FEEL FREE?><
The rules i chose to live my life maybe=(, i don't know. Perhaps, lately i don't feel happiness around me anymore=(, the storm is coming, pain hits all those around me. That pains me the most><, the imprison i feel, is probably the helplessness, the inability to step in. Now i stand behind bars, forced to watch all those closest to me hit by pain, suffering and sadness. I want to break out=(, but these bars are strong.
But in time, all things rust. I just hope it does soon><.
Don't know=(, feels like something is about to happen again><.
Im sick of being tired
Im sick of just watching
Life just enjoys putting me
behind these bars...
Why can't it just leave me
alone to be=(
