FUCK MYSELF TO FUCKING HELL!!!!!
Why do i have to make this mistake?!! Why must i have hurt her?!!
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!
Haiz... no point now, my thoughts fill with thoughts of guilt, my mistake replays itself like some sick broken tape in my head... my heart breaks, slowly and painfully.
The pain i feel now is more then any i have felt, like billions of swords, slashing away whats left or my burning heart, tears flow from my eyes, and my sence of touch has been lost.
I walked into the bath, hoping it would relive my pain. I used more hot water, to force my attention away from the pain i already feel, but it seems futile. No matter how hot the water gets i felt no pain, no hot sensation on my body, only the cracking and ripping of my heart can be felt... I walked out of the bathroom red, some parts of my skin seemed to be peeling, but still no pain. The nags of my mum and dad, became a mere mumble in the distant in my ears, my dads fists didn't even move me...
People who have offered so much comfort in the past could only offer more insults and teasing, shouted at 3 friends, all mother fuckers who just don't understand me.
My tears flow like a waterfall down my cheeks, but no one asks why... Only angry voices could be heard, and words of insults seen.
Everything i had in my mind is now gone... Only the voices of blame and regret remain... they taunt me slowly to insanity, but even that can't be done now. My mind reminds me of her too much to lose myself now...
I have became breathless, my movements seem to have slowed, senses weakened, and each muscle in my limbs grow more unwilling to go on.
I don't know what to do now... I can't sleep for when my eyes close, pain fills my heart to the brim, pushing how much i can withstand to the limit... i felt like a bullet through my heart... i hurts so much......
All emotions but sadness, are expelled from me. I looked out from the window earlier on, it looked so tempting to just jump off, to find out if i could fly to her, to say it myself, that im sorry...
The word sorry has long been flooding my mind, for every wrong, for every second i did not spend with her when i could, there is another sorry in screaming with in me... If you could hear my mind, u might never hear anything again......
It hurts too much to close my eyes...
With each tear i just want to let down more...
just wish i can take it all back.. but my one wish is about to be taken from me, my 1 last dream and hope... all shattering in front of me... if life wont hasitate to take that from me, why would it want to answer that wish...
I don't expact her to talk to me tomorrow, i don't even expact her to forgive me by tomorrow, just wish i can take it all back.
The hate i feel for myself.. the blame i put on myself, never have i felt so broken.
My soul has shattered
my body is nothing
but a shell
to all the pain
all the sorrow
I hate myself
I hate what i have done
but i will never hate you
Im sorry...
Its been awhile since i blogged. Things just haven't been so distressing to me til now.
Change has always been something i guess i understood. But yet, its something i cannot explain.
Change assures in joy, peace and even happiness, and also pain, anger and sadness. I have never been an enemy or change. What i kept in mind, was that things that change, however joyful or painful, only opens the door to a better future. No change happens for no reason, but yet, there are changes we must fight. The need to make your life comfortable, at the expense of others, however peaceful it may make your life it destroys other's. Against this i have always sworn to find somewhere where my actions are never hurtful, and that i will not change, unless i have to.
What has always hit me hard, was when the people that i do this for, don't do the same, and leave me behind. I have never feared to be alone, if not i wouldn't be the person i am now. Still... i am only human, who feels pain like everyone else.
For awhile there i actually hoped things can stay the same, but now im feeling doubt.
these are just thoughts that passed through my mind. Now i ask myself, am i the only one that is trying so hard to stay the same? Only time will answer me.
changes will happen, but 1 promise i make. If changes do happen, and if someone has to get hurt, i promise, it won't be any of u.
I am afraid
but ready
Afraid of the pain
afraid of the sadness
but ready to take it
ready to let it go
