Recently, i started realizing how small people see me as. Am i really that small? All the people in my class seem to be about the same size, yet, they don't have that problem. Because of how they see me, they treat me like a child, treat me like im some stupid immature kid, who doesn't know shit about grown up life. Work, Stress, Finance, Love, they all think i know nothing about these. But i have something to say to those who think i don't know about them. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!! I know these problems more then any of u ever did!!!!
And secondly, doesn't mean that im small, that my body is weak, i have a full functioning HUMAN body, which means im capable of anything all you "big" people can do.
Probably what comes out of this is that i could slack more=P, and that its easier to be cute=x
Seems like even my parents see me like a little kid...
Its not that i hate how i turned out, what i hate, is how people talk to me. These are sentences i always hear:"Ah Wei Yan sure dono one la, still small kid" friend 15, "You still small la, when you grow up u know what is stress" cousin 17, "Wei Yan still too small to have girl friend la, he also don't know how to treat girls" friend 14-15, "You don't waste my money ok, i might get fired soon, and i know u still too young to know how stressful work is" Bullshit by mom.
There are still many many more, and as you can see, if its not my parents, the people who says them are almost the same age at me.
Haiz, what will it take for them to see that i have grown up...
Yesterday was officially the last day i will go to school during holiday=), going to spend as much time with darling as possible^^. Really miss her><.

Maybe its just me
that i really am small

SHIT!!!!! I hate my mom><, i hate the way she controls, she WANTS. She thinks i have to be her little boy forever, her perfect little boy, BULLSHIT!!!!
FUCK, she thinks all children are perfect, all nice to their parents, all treating their parents 1st, WAKE UP!!!! Look around!!!! What do YOU see? 15year old boys sayang mothers? Teenagers talking to their mother nicely when being scolded? FUCK!!! IF U SEE THAT UR EYES HAVE SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT IN THEM. You think im bad, keep pushing, you will see bad eventually!!
Now, im doing what i always thought of as me being too soft to do. SINCE I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE "NICE" TONE YOU ALWAYS WANTED, i will give you silence, so u never have to hear my "bad" tone again. IM NOT STOPPING TIL UR READY TO ADMIT IT!!! If ever i forget about this, i need everyone to remind me.
Haiz=(, don't want anyone to stand in the way of me and darling<3><, if this is a step then so be it, i want to be free of this FUCKNUT i call a mother.
I REALLY LOVE YOU DARLING<3. Hope the years pass quickly^^.
Today i haven heard from jiejie much either><, hope shes ok=(. Guess i will check on her tomorrow. Really worried about her these few days, just feels like something is about to go wrong again=(.


Words can be unheard
But silence can be felt
Cold, Saddening
It can give you peace
Yet drive you crazy
hearing only yourself
Like a weapon
it reaps people apart

This last week end was fun=), was having fun pretty much the whole weekend^^.
It started on friday=), JieJie took leave on that day so that she could spend time with cp^^, her maple couldn't download for awhile=x, so CP after having breakfast with her, went to her house to help her=). AND IT WORKED^^.
We then met at about 3 at jiejie's house=), we went to new york new york to eat dinner. After the ice cream we were almost dead=x. SO FULL!!!!
Then on saterday=), spent the morning onl9 together^^, then went out again at night, we wanted to watch Christmas Carol, but the only one we can catch was the 9.10 movie=x, so we went to eat 1st^^. AGAIN!!!! So full=x, cp order so much, then force me and jiejie to eat=x. It is the hawker center food=x.
After that i really felt disappointed, jie went to buy some cig box... haiz, i don't know what to say anymore, i keep telling myself that she will need time, and that she will make it. But 1st signs made me almost cry. Its seems like the longer this drags, i will more pain. With each stick she draws, i feel more sorrow. I don't know, i just hate it when the question of whether or not she will quit goes through my head><. But i don't blame her, i kind of blame myself. All the times i could have stopped it, i let it pass. What so many people have told me before is true. Im soft, too giving, without the will to oppose especially those closest to me. Im weak...
Through all that i pulled out what happiness i had left to smile home. Dad for 110% pissed at me for being home late=x.
Then on sunday, no time was wasted=), managed to get cp and jie to play aran=P. Then we chionged=x.
Through all this there was something missing... MY DARLING!!!<3=D Didn't spend much time with her><, really miss her=(. I MAKE MY PROMISE AFTER TOMORROW, I AM HERS!!!=D<3

All addictions
exist in the mind
say stop,
it will stop
say its go on
its will go on

People say the time, is one of the things that will last forever, it is a force, which like other forces, could not be seen, but effects can be observed. Yes, i have watched it closely, and learned so many things. And yes, i am small, and young, but with abit of effort, the human mind and understanding is limitless.
Though i have learnt so many things since the start of my observation, but as the name for it suggests, i could only learn through my eyes=x. Thats why i remain pure LOL!!
Anyway, time has thought me so much, but since the beginning of life, time hasn't tested me much, until now.
By now, i had already seen failures, and achievers, who knows, i could be one of the achievers, like one of my friends, a couple since primary 6=). I hope i could be like them. Having ever lasting love<3. I PROMISE YOU DARLING<3=D, I WILL MAKE SURE I DO MY BEST<3, MUAX<3.
time seems to be doing wonders for jie and cp too=), hope this time there will be no more fights><, i still feel like its balancing on a pin><, but i know, you guys will do it too=D!!!
Anyway, i hope i can make it=), i guess, the rules that i have learnt must be best kept now^^, I PROMISE MY LOVE WILL NEVER DIE!!!<3

Love
An emotion
and like a grudge
It can last
for an eternity<3

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO HAPPY BEFORE=D.
These last few days had been rough, but hopefully, now after the storm, i can finally look forward to everlasting peace and happiness=).
CP and Jie had some fights the day before yesterday=(. Almost broke up><, but in the end, all was ok=), as i predicted and promise^^. I really hope CP gets it this time><, really hurts to see them fight=(. But now, i guess i don't have to step in anymore=), still, in a way i wish i could><. I hate these bars><. Anyway, have to let them settle some stuff themselves^^. Besides, im always going to be here if they need me=). Anyway, i know he will, all things change, in time=).
Me and darling have bee doing good ourselves too=). Rules that i will never break, are kept deep in my heart. I can feel the pain when i break them=x, but thats good^^. I promise, im going to make it work this time=). The last 2, were unhappiness, on the girl's side... But, i can tell=), darling wants to make this work too^^. For that i promise, IT WILL!!!<3
Now my picture is almost complete=), time is all that stands in my way now. But time can't stop moving, eventually it will pass, and my dream would have came through=D. My 1st dream that ever came through in my life.
Nothing had ever went my way before, i had always been too insignificant at the time... Unable to be heard, just a back ground. But now any more=). Im putting all that behind me now, who i use to be is nothing more then a shadow of what i am now. I AM CONFIDENT, that this will work=D.

When you and i are alone
i never felt more at home
We need time
Only time~

Today was fun=), the day started normal, woke up and smsed darling and jiejie 1st as usual=D.
Time works in such strange ways. Today seemed to pass so fast><, but now, when i look back, everything just stops. I can now see every second so clearly.
Today, after darling and jiejie woke up, we talked in msn for awhile, before we all went to maple to chat=D. A small fight happened between cp and jie><. Haiz, for a reason that seems so insignificant. Its all too predictable, hopefully CP really saw his mistake and will fix it soon><.
One problem i felt i had, was to keep quiet><, and not step in. Its hard><, but i can handle it=). Keeping quiet too long puts me in an emo mood=x, but darling was there=D, so i got over it quite quickly^^, THANKS DARLING<3!!! It followed with an awesome time slacking at ludi=P.
At about 6 we all started leaving><, for dinner plans and other occasions of our own. Really reluctant to leave><, wanted to stay at home, but yea, parents still want to control me... I HATE THAT!!!
Anyway, had chicken rice and chicken=x.
Got home at about 9.10><, took a quick bath and went online to see darling<3=D. We chatted for awhile, and during that time, jie also headed over to meet cp=). They couldn't meet too long><, it was alrd 11.10=(. Hope she will be ok><.
They went to sleep about 11.45, called each other, and if i know them well enough, they are deep asleep by now=x.
And now me and darling are left=), oh well better get back to her=D, have to go to sleep soon too><.
Seeing time like this is truly amazing, but at times where u want to move on, its a curse that i can't avoid><. Well today is one to remember=), and i invite it now=D.

Time works
in strange ways
but the one thing
that we must all remember
it doesn't leave things
in pieces

Today is the day im freed from school=D. The plan initially was to talk to darling til i left to meet up with jiejie, but she also had plans to catch up with her social life=). HOPE YOU HAD FUN DARLING!!!=D<3 Guess shes asleep alrd><, and sleeping real soundly too=x. But she woke up and i managed to talk to her=D. We watch 2012=x, was scary the way people die><, but nice overall=D.
The 1st day seem to pass so fast><, i had 12hrs today, it felt like 12 minutes><. Tomorrow i guess will be better=), can spend the whole day with jiejie, CP and my darling<3=D online.
Somehow i can't wait for monday=x, i will wake up to NO ONE!!!!
I had a sinking feeling that this will not last long though=(, time works against me><, especially when im happy...
Really missed darling today><, me feels lonely without her><. When i was in the taxi, she was all i thought about.

Wake up to think
stare at the sky
sooner or later
time still ticks away
theres no stopping it

LOL, life enjoys play mind games on me so much=x.
The storm had passed, all is well again=), other then dieing in school i feel no other sadness or anger anymore=D.
I spent today with darling<3, and we web camed for the 1st time=D. It was so fun, and she was so cute^^. okok darling i know what ur going to say=x. I also found out jiejie had gone the whole day without smoking!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! If only she can cut down faster=x, oh well, slow and steady=P
ended up showing darling so many things over the web cam=D.
Seems like my mind is clear again=), until i go back to school LOL. Pretending for something you don't want sucks=x, i even forget why i try... oh ya right, to not die in secondary school><.
Anyway, TOMORROW IS THAT LAST DAY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!
I AM SO HAPPY=D
can't wait to wake up to nobody=x. DON'T SAY IM EMO!! I want to feel physically lonely=D, not mentally=x.
Anyway its late, TOMORROW IS WAITING TO BE OVER=D

The sun sets once again
in this chapter of life
after tomorrow
all will start anew
new goals
new plans
But same eternal Love
and Friendship=)

Its been awhile since i sat down to think about how things have been going. So much has changed, 5 months ago i met jie, and only a month ago i met darling<3. Still theres so much that i know hasn't change, and so much i wish could change.
Life in school, i know it should be one of the best of my life. But i have to pretend every time i walk in. I have to pretend, to be with friends, i have to the person i want to be inside me. All that normally vanishes after i get home. Now i am home, and now i am myself. But somehow, now i feel a hunger to be free of school. Not forever, just for this holiday=).
I think of all the commitments i made in school, and i go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I wish i hadn't... but whats done is done...
Now a my bridging programs come to an end, i feel so excited=). I WILL FINALLY WAKE UP FREE!!!!!
But, now, one questions hits me. Whats freedom, with restrictions? I still have my cca to attend, and a world of nagging to endure from my cabin counselor. The chance for freedom only comes that many times in one's life, and mine are draining away.
As ice in my drink melt, so does the freedom i feel. Hopefully the holidays give me enough time to pull myself back again.
This is one of the things i kept to myself for quite awhile, still it is one that i only just realized. The restlessness, the eagerness to burst out, the pain and agony i go through when i go to school these few days, can all be explain by this lack of freedom i feel.
Now one last thing remains. With little friends to turn to, what can i do during the holidays? Haiz, i don't know, for now im looking forward to waking up, to see an empty home. Thats all i need. Though i may feel lonely, the pain and sorrow i feel cleanses my soul, allowing me to feel refreshed, and for the moment, freedom=).
Besides, im not alone. Thats all i need to remember, Jie, CP, darling<3, will all be just a phone button press or a keyboard typing away=).
Still, WHY DON'T I FEEL FREE?><
The rules i chose to live my life maybe=(, i don't know. Perhaps, lately i don't feel happiness around me anymore=(, the storm is coming, pain hits all those around me. That pains me the most><, the imprison i feel, is probably the helplessness, the inability to step in. Now i stand behind bars, forced to watch all those closest to me hit by pain, suffering and sadness. I want to break out=(, but these bars are strong.
But in time, all things rust. I just hope it does soon><.
Don't know=(, feels like something is about to happen again><.


Im sick of being tired
Im sick of just watching
Life just enjoys putting me
behind these bars...
Why can't it just leave me
alone to be=(

Today was so up and down><.
At school, i felt so freaking uneasy><, couldn't pay attention, just keep figgiting until i fell asleep in class=x.
When i got home, found out darling was there=D, and talked to her most of the afternoon=), she had some work to do=P, so i didn't disturb her much=P.
Found out from jiejie's blog CP finally went out=x, after don't know how long LOL. But instead of happiness, i felt worry><. I knew this day would come, where xuan would come in and ruin the happiness again=(. Well NO MORE!!! I am here to make sure we all stay happy!!!
I forgot i had teakwando today><, and i left the house with a heavy heart, didn't want to leave darling, and neither did i want to leave jiejie alone=(.
I got back to find out she was so sad=(, she called me, and i talked her to sleep, tried my best to comfert her><, really did.
Everything will work out, i know it will, it happened to me and darling<3, and it will happen for you and cp too=D.
And remember, no matter wat changes, I WILL NEVER CHANGE!! Anytime and anything you can talk to me about it=). Hope she will be ok><

You can build a city
and grow a forest
But when the city crumbles
The forest remains
growing as always
Flowers bloom
as skylines fall

So many things happened today. Some trouble in school, but no worries=D, i can handle it^^. I came home late today cause of a stupid science teacher i got=x, had to combine class with the weaker half of my class, and cause that half is really stupid, she treat my half like we're stupid too=x.
At that time, everything still seemed ok. When i got home, waited for darling, she didn't seem ok><. After she online, managed to cheer her up!!=D<3 Then spent the day chatting with her=). MUAX<3 I LOVE YOU DARLING<3=D. HOPE U HEAL SOON=D.
When i talked to jiejie in msn at late afternoon, i guess something happened=(, shes really stressed now, stuck again><. Everything will work out=), i know it will, a way to get out will come=D. Hope she will be ok tomorrow><.
I am always here for the people who need me=D, hope darling sleeps well tonight too okie<3.

When I think of you
I don't feel so alone
As many times as i blink
I'll think of you=)

Today was not bad=), the day started as usual, just wait for darling and jiejie to wake up=).
When jiejie woke up, i don't know, she seems abit sad=(, at least after a day full of jokes from cp she seemed better by night=). She had a lot of problems at home today><, hope shes ok.
Then most of the day i spent with darling<3
was abit worried cause she seemed upset><. Eventually, jiejie called her, and we managed to cheer her up=).
I guess, today had alot of downs, but like i always say, everything will work out=), no matter how bad it is^^.
Hope darling won't be too sad tonight><, I LOVE YOU DARLING<3. Everything will work out=).


If the bombs go off
the sun will still be shining
cause you heard them said
every mushroom cloud
has a silver lining

Darling is getting better=D, things are turning^^, i am overfilled with joy now^^. these 2 days i've seen her gotten so much better^^.
She can talk, laugh, and even shout!!=D Its only been 2 days after the operations^^, and my prediction was right WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love being right=x. ME TOLD U DARLING=P. Nah just joking=). LOVE YOU DARLING!!!! AWHILE MORE TILL U RECOVER FULLY=D!!!!!!
These 2 days i spent as time as i cud with her^^, and today spent my day with her=), follow by a nite with her, cp, and jiejie=).
I guess the only thing bad that happened was CP upsetting jiejie=(, i guess he was really tired, and jiejie was too awake=(. Really hope everything is ok><, don't like to see them fight=(, even if cp doesn't like to accept change, i still think he should watch himself more><.
Anyway at least now i have full confidence darling will make it=D, for that i can never rejoice enough^^.


for whats its worth
darling dear i wish you were here
cause i feel alone
when u were home
we'd sing
but now u left i don't hear anything
now i feel
so sad
but i can't belive things were really that bad=)
TO DARLING<3
MY dear^^

The news i knew would come HAS CAME!!!!!!^^
BeeBee's operation has succeeded^^, i feel so happy, so relieved. My confusion has settled down=), i can see clearly again^^.
Not long now=), till she goes for her final operation and get out of the hospital!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Today had been almost awful, couldn't stop thinking, felt so sleepy, felt fire in me, and so confused. I was reminded why i hated the people in robotics, those mother ****ing losers, so lazy to even make their own design, but had no mood to do it...
They would only let me make supports and weapon for the robot...
ANYWAY!!!! don want to let them ruin my happiness=), BeeBee will be ok=D, thats all that matters now^^.
Thnx jiejie=) and all those who stood by me through this(PS: NO ONE FROM SCHOOL, u all only demoralized me, FOOLS!!!). Thnx you guys so much=), if it weren't for u all, i might have given up already.
MY LOVE IS GETTING BETTER<3, thats all that matters now=).
Theres still a long way to go, and her condition isn't stable><, hope tomorrow it will get better=(


It was nothing but a fantasy
I knew it
But i had alot of fate in it
Isn't that what everybody says
to hold on to all your hopes and dreams?
breath life into it
make it reality=)

Yesterday i got word that something happened to darling's state in the hospital=(, i was in shock, i was confused><. Thats one of the reasons why i forgot to blog=x.
Anyway, i guess her state has been stabilized, and shes going for an operation tomorrow. Hope it goes well><.
Doctors don't perform operations unless its going to help cure the patient. This is my last hope, that this is true=).
Really miss her=(, I LOVE YOU DARLING!!<3. I know she will get well soon.
Today i had CCA for an upcoming competition, its a sumo bot competition, but i have no mood to focus on that now><.
Today i was still really dazed><, i smsed jiejie alot, but by mid day she started getting quite busy=(, and i couldn't talk to her much anymore. Im sorry i didn't sms u much after that=(. I felt lonely for much of the day, not many people talked to me, and i didn't try to talk to people...
Hope tomorrow will be a better day.


Tomorrow holds a lot
for each and everyone of us
The day dar gets better,
or not
The day we cry or cheer
Whether or not i lose again
The day things turn
for the better
or worse......

Today, after i came back from school, i spent all my time with CP and Jie. After we had gone for a few bosses, we settled down in the Fm to chat. They consoled me about beebee, and i really felt so much hope in me. I never thought a mistake i made last week would come back to strike at me.
I know, it affected jie too, she felt betrayed, these i don't need anyone to tell me. I should know, after so much we had gone through together.
My judgment has been really corrupted lately, i really can't make a good decision. Every thing i chose seemed to be the wrong move. I knew it was a mistake, from the very start, but, i don't know. Now i can find nothing that can excuse me from it. That is how i know, i know how far i have slipped. MY guilt overwhelms me, my sadness consumes me. I can't stop crying...
I really can't stand to lose her, shes the only one i can talk to nowadays, there is really no one else, and i blew it, just like that...
I can't stop regretting, i want to keep saying sorry, but each time i say it i feel worse=(, im just really sorry... i say this from the bottom of my heart, but it still hurts, im still crying, each just flows, and i can't stop it...


My mistake...
it was my mistake
my guilt
breaks my heart
smaller and smaller
my sadness,
overflows it
Why must i make this mistake......

Today had been ok, i managed to feel at least some happiness today, its the 1st time since i found out about darling's condition=(. I went out with jiejie, and cp, watched a movie and had lunch and dinner.
I only got the news when i got back=(. Darling's state is now completely critical, and a chance of death now looms about her><. This hit me like an assassin. My heart breaks, my mind goes blank, thoughts of so many words left unsaid...
I already have a speech, written complete with everything i want to say, in case hope disappears.

My name is Wei Yan(magas).Still is secondary school. Open to all around me. Lonely at times. Always wanted my own story. This is my life.

»Ray
»Xiao Min
»Ting
»CP&TING
»Selina/DARLING

By post:
My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...
Change
"Little" Kid
Protest In Silence
The Weekend
Endless Time
My Dream Coming True
Warped Time
Time Is Ticking
Clear The Storm

By month:
August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009