Haiz, today was even worse then yesterday...
So many thoughts in me, so many feelings. I want to be happy, but my heart feels like its crying, my mind wants to fly, my body wants to stay buried, nothing i do today seems to satisfy me=(. I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to about it><.
And today not many has even cared to ask if i was ok. I guess the conflicting feelings made me seem normal. But inside, inside there is chaos and dismay.
Now i don't feel like driving my head into the wall anymore... no, now i wan to hit it as hard as i can, until i find out which will break 1st...
I feel so broken, so out of touch, even the things that made me feel comfort now give me more pain.
While playing dota, a sense of missing something keeps hitting me, while watching TV, a sense of eagerness to go back to the com, and while in maple, a strong sense of sadness overwhelms me...
No one seems to be around anymore=(, i know they are still there, just not available to help me today and yesterday.
I miss so many people, i amazingly miss my friends in school, I miss my jiejie=(, she had been busy lately><, and i miss Beebee darling=(, shes still really weak, really hope she will get well soon.


Now i feel so crushed
so broken
like a shattered mirror
Lying in peaces
no one around
to put me back together
not now anyway......

Today i feel awful. The sadness that i feel inside is maddening><. i really just wan to bang my head into the wall=(. The grueling sadness has given me such a clear picture of how its going to happen... I really just want to drive my head deep into the wall, and see the blood flow=(.
I got teased by my supposed "best friend". What can i say? He wouldn't even listen. And even if he did, my life here cannot be known by people in school, including him. I was tearing up, but yet he pushes. I don't know how i came to have people like that as friends. I have been sulking at him and all those who had joined him in tormenting me today. Will probably talk to him again next week.
I HATE IT when the people i thought of as trust worthy and thoughtful turn their backs on me like that. Not a single word or concern even with tears flowing from my eyes.
I guess people in school are just like that. But im sure of others who will never be like that, Like jie, CP, my beebee darling. Those are the people i want to be with, not those who cause more pain, just for the sake of being "funny".
i guess i just wan someone to turn to=(, those people i know i could trust were busy. So i had no one left to turn to... Jiejie was busy with her end of month stuff, beebee was still in the hospital, and i didn't feel comfortable shedding tears wen talking to cp. I guess i will be ok tomorrow. It should be better.
ME MISSES YOU DARLING!!! Really can't stop thinking about you=(. Will always love you!!<3


I want to forget
does that mean
that i should forgive them?
I want to turn to them
but what if
their not around
when i need them most?
I want to help her
but what if by helping
im making it harder
to make her feel better?

Still haven heard from Beebee since ytd, really missing her=( can't stop worrying about her><, Jiejie is still at work hopefully shes ok=(, i still feel guilty about ignoring her everytime beebee is around><, and i have no mood to play dota with cp now. This is the 1st time i got to think since being with Beebee, reflect on the mistakes i have made, and how people has seen me change. I still feel the same inside, i still want to see others happy, and i still feel so much pain when i disappoint others=(.
I know, how you guys see me now, i know, all the mistakes i have made, one of which was neglecting jiejie and cp when bee is around, And im sorry, really really sorry, if i had changed into something, that even i would hate. And im sorry if my changes have affected how i treat u guys=(. This really is something new to me, i have never felt like this before. I swear, i will never change inside.
The promise i want to keep now, to never change, to never neglect anyone close to me ever again. I never want to see u people, especially anyone of u guys, to think that i have changed and will never change back. Never want to see u guys, after all we've been through, hate me, because of my own mistake=(.
I can't imagine this world, if any of u leave me. I want to keep our friendship, to treat and be treated like before.
And i know now, i know what i need to change, and i know i have to start 1st. To fix them, to take back everything i have done wrong so far.

I was caught
between my pride
and my promise
But now,
for my pride
and my promise
i will fix my mistakes
and will never
make them again

Today like i expected was a boring day, along with my lousy sleep last night, it allowed me to sleep in school=). And because of that, i got left behind 2 times by my friends><. Thats how easily i get forgotten in school i guess.
I was looking forward to coming home and talking to Bee Bee dar. But, i guessed something happened=(. When i got home, i tried calling her, to find out that it was engaged, then i tried to check if she was online, the same can be said about the results=(.
Haven heard from her since last night, hope everything is ok><. Really really worried about her, couldn't stop thinking about her, til i couldn't do anything else. DARLING!!! Me misses u alot><, hope i can see u soon=(.
Was trying to talk to jie too, but i guess, she was really busy at work=(. Didn't get many replies from her when i tried smsing her. But its ok, i know how busy she gets=). Me missed her too=(. I don't know, maybe its just me, but i have a feeling shes not 100% ok either=(, hope u r ok jiejie=(
Just hope she isn't stress over it><.
I tried dota-ing with CP to take my mind off things, but i couldn't concentrate on the game><. Most of the game was spent zoning out and that caused us to lose. I could only stand 1 round, before i went back to thinking about my BeeBee darling. Really really miss her.
Hope shes getting out of the hospital soon=(, can't imagine what i can do tomorrow without her><. Tomorrow, 29-10, my birthday, and also a holiday for me. Its wired that ever since i was born, i had no school what so ever on that particular day. But still, my feelings overwhelm me too much to enjoy it=(.
CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO U AGAIN DARLING!!!<3 MUAX<3 LOVE MY DARLING 4EVER!!<3

Love
the thing no one understands
not completely at least
What do i know?
I never felt it before
never thought
that i would feel it now

Just got back from the chalet yesterday=), came over to my house to watch a couple of movies lol. The chalet was nice^^, at 1st it seemed so sucky, but after making it cold, and lying down on the bed, it was pretty nice^^, when we meet again, i need to pass the memory card to jie to develop the photos=). We took quite a few^^.







These are a few of them=)
the rest i have put on face book^^
Me really missed my BeeBee darling there=(, even if i could keep talking to her on the phone=P. LOVE YOU DARLING!!! ALWAYS WILL!!<3
Then there was today F3. IT WAS SOOOOOOO BORING!!! nothing to do in school lol. Fell asleep 3 times in school=x. When i got home, i found out darling already has her lap top with her at the hospital=D, so i sent most of my time online with her.
When she went to sleep, i helped cp try out dota awhile, and now im waiting for her=).
Haven been talking to jiejie since school ended though=(, kind of miss her, hope everything is ok on her side><. Don't wan her to be stressed.
Oh well, will talk to her later ba, i guess she just got off work=).
And now, BACK TO WAIT FOR MY DARLING!!!<3 I enjoy not making people wait=P

In sacrificing
it doesn't mean that
you have to lose something
It means
That it is done for
a better tomorrow

After so long of waiting, TOMORROW IS FINALLY HERE!!!!=D
I filled with excitement, and also sorrow=(. Its my birthday^^, and the chalet is celebration=D. We still haven yet decided what to do there=x, but we can figure it out as we go along=). I am only sad that i have to leave my beebee darling while shes sick=(. Me misses her every time im not with her=(. hope she gets better soon=). Love u darling!!<3 Promise to call u while im there okie^^, me wans to show CP im not shy with u=x. Hope you get well soon, don't want you to spend too much time in the hospital><.
Tomorrow we're meeting at jie's house first=), still not sure to come home to eat, or stay there to eat=x, never really went to the coffee shops near my house for breakfast before LOL. Probably only 1 or 2=x. Anyway that we will decide tomorrow=D.
Sooo excited now, not sure if i can go to sleep LOL=x. But i guess even i have to sleep=).


Celebrations start
storms die out
this is the cycle
that we live in
for that i hope
it brings joy to us=)

today was ok i guess=), manage to talk to dar in the morning<3, But she got sick>Im really worried about her=(, she went to the doctor earlier, and just went to the hospital><. Me hopes shes ok=(, me misses her too D=. Tomorrow i have school. I guess i will rush home then=), i got my mike working already, if shes ok with it then im going to talk to her^^. ME LOVES YOU DARLING!!!! ALOT ALOT<3!! me hopes u are ok=(, can't stop worrying><. ME WILL BE WITH U ALWAYS!!!
The weekend is almost here=), just hope dar will be ok, don wan to leave her when shes feeling so sick><. Will probably call her when im there, maybe at night.
Tomorrow my birthday celebrations begin lol. Parents invited cousins over to have a BBQ before my bbq with jie and cp=x
Really hope dar is ok=(, can't stop thinking about it><


Things have to grow
feelings, emotions
all must grow
or be left behind
lost in time

It seems like now im seeing things more clearly, now i see a larger world, with happiness and hope=). I used to only see hope and happiness only for others.
Today seems to go by so slowly, with all the suspense and excitements, as well sorrows and disappointments.
For the excitements, i got a 94 for my science^^ and i manages to pass every subject for sec 3 accept for chinese=x. For that im am happy=). Oh ya and to talk to darling in the afternoon<3
For the sorrows, i guess it seems like Jie seems upset today=(, im really worried about her, hopefully shes ok. Hope she remembers im always here for her, always did and always will=).
Tomorrow is a holiday!!!=D Me am going to spend my day at hope with BeeBee darling^^.
And talking to jie and cp=).
3 MORE DAYS TO CHALET!!!!!
LOVE U DARLING!!!!!<3


Everything will be alright
everything always is
im here to make sure it will
thats what im good at
and i promise i will never change<3

All my life i never imagined a picture more perfect than this=), Cp and Jie are doing fine^^, hopefully it will last a long long time this round=P. The chalet is only 4days away!!! Im so excited^^. Only thing me am not not looking forward to is not talking to my bee darling><.
Hope she won't be too lonely=(, me will still sms her constantly=) and call at nite if i could^^.<3 MY BEEBEE DARLING!!!
Things are finally falling into place, after so many years of flouting=). Me feels so at peace, the most i have felt in 6years^^.
1st look at my results, english 70% at least^^ but a little disappointed with chinese=(
at most a 50% only><.
Tomorrow im getting all my other papers^^, science, maths, social studies, literature, and DnT^^. Hopefully i will be more awake then today=P, had wired dreams last nite that kept waking me up><, at least their only dreams=).


Can i stay happy forever
Forever...
Forever here
With those i care about
no matter the distant
no matter what...

Jiejie din seem happy today=(, really worried about her, even though bee is around me still will care about her, always will, but i guess she just wasn't in the mood to talk about it><. Really really worried about her=(, find it hard to keep my smile...
Me still misses her during the day, although i am no longer alone me still misses her. Jiejie will always be my favorite jiejie no matter what, and will always be the one who knows me the best=).
Me really wants you to be happy, i can't be happy with u feeling that way, hopefully she will be better tomorrow><...
Its 2nd day with Bee=), and jie says we were too mushy=x, will try to fix that=P.
Just hope jiejie is ok, really can't think about much but worry about u=(


Things change
But i promise
my heart wont
not til the end of time
i will always care
for the ones close to me

Well today everything went well=), spent the whole day with JieJie and cp spaming, then they finally gave me the courage to ask bee to be my new gf, at least in maple^^. LOVE YOU DARLING<3.=P
It was fun, but yea, haven been with a gf for a long long time, and found that i was ignoring alot of what was going on around me=(.
It will get better=), we still don't know each other that well yet, and today was just our bonding time.
I hope everything is ok among jie and cp, was worried i might have missed something important, and jie, no matter what happens i will always be there for you ALWAYS^^. Nick also seems to be in distress, and yea, i hope i can be there to help him again.
Felt like i missed so much><, hope everything is ok, and sorry again that i wasn't paying so much attention><. Really hoping nothing bad happened=(
Things should go up from here=), the chalet is only a week away, can't wait^^.


Hope nothing falls
Not now...
The picture is perfect
At least, almost perfect

Feels like im trapped, been like that since the exam, everywhere i turn, seems to be the same as the last. Like 4 walls surrounding me, with no where to go... I've kept it locked for so long... i forgot how to open it... now im wondering, should it be open now? That will not be known til after its open, im afraid=(.
So many things change, i remain the same. Its like the others have already became trees, and im still a sprout. How do i start to grow again?=(.
Today, was really worried about jie and cp=(, i know the tension grew alot this time><.
I really hope jie is ok, really really worried><.

Is this a curse
i must live with?
always fighting
the path given to me...

Yesterday met jie and cp again^^. The last time i saw them was CP's bday at the hotel.
Was so nice to see them again^^. We sat at our usual place for slacking, and jie got her maid to buy for us KFC lol. After that, we went to the play ground and the exercising play ground. Me and CP keep trying to do a pull up lol, failed=x.
Aww it was so fun, i miss them already><. Anyway the next time im seeing them is at the chalet next week=), time seems to move so slow from not til then><.
Seems like im so free, but in my mind and heart, im still trapped=(, in the cage that prevented me from moving.
This seems to be devouring the last bit of freedom i am feeling, the happiness. Perhaps humans just aren't made to not move. So this is what you get when u hold ur hopes, ur feelings, and ur dreams back.
I am still afraid of the outcome, i am afraid of being crushed. Though my confidence is growing, i am still unsure of how to get going again. I have forgotten how to accomplish the goals that i have kept in me for so long.
This will be decided through time i guess...


All is lost again
But im not giving in
I will not fall
i will not fade...

Exams are finally over, the freedom i thought i would feel far exceeded what i am feeling now.
The thought of doing whatever i wanted after the exam is now extinguished, it still feels like im in a cage. Bounded to this world by what is already here. Its not boredom, its not sick or tired of what is already here. Its just the need to start moving again.
But which way to go? On this road i stand still, watching over those who i care about, but not moving myself. But i don't want to only watch, i want to be part of everything, part of life's great picture, but at the same time keep watching. The holidays are coming, perhaps then i will decide where to go, perhaps it is possible, that we will have to see.
For now let the bars of this cage rust and break, i will be behind them, waiting for the time to break through.


Smile to everyone
through the bars
soon i will be released
and join the world
on my own road
along side those i care about

Tomorrow is the last day of my exams=), but then, why don't i feel happy=(? Im 100% going to sec 4 its confirmed, but why do i feel guilt, tiredness, loneliness? In my head i know i have no reason to feel this way, but why is it there?
Why do i feel that after all i've done these few days, that i deserve this? Whats could i have done that i missed, thoughts go through my head as i think. I feel the depression sinking in, every time i think of something else. I keep my happy face on, because this feeling seems too unreasonable to think about, besides, not many will know how to help, since i don't even know the god damn reason for it!! Still a thought tells me i should at least tell someone about it.
Tomorrow's paper is literature, not much to study, for as long as i know how the story goes, i will be able to pass.
Me misses jiejie=(, haven talked to her since monday><. She's upset=(, me really wants to help you, me wish i can do more...


I can't hold on
When its stretched so thin
i can't rely on myself
Not me alone
with thought of falling
sinking in...

Who knew that sadness was such a persistent feeling, after locking most of the feelings that are unwanted away, only one feeling was left... Depression. Now its burning at my soul, and i don't know what i can do...
I seem to feel it when i close my eyes, like a sudden flame that would spark in there every now and then. Haiz, and now i know whats wrong, but i don't have the will to fix it.
For now i guess, i would let it roam until im ready to face it. Why can't i have mind of peace and happiness? Its suppose to be normal, but there are storms brewing in there, storms that i don't want to fight for now...
Now i just want to live my life and enjoy it, perhaps at the end of the year, when i feel stronger at least.
Exams are almost over.. 2 more days, and the 2 subjects are 2 that theres really little to study. I feel confident, besides, Its not really necessary to remember everything in my DnT text book=x, theres a manual with all of it and more i will be getting when i go to work=P. And for literature, theres really not going to be a need for it in the future=), just help me talk and quarrel better.XP
Im confident, now i just have to wait for the tomorrow to come.
For me this exam is already an obstacle passed, i already know i passed my english, science and maybe DnT=x. That means im going to sec4=P, not held back nor ITE lol. I still wish that fate on some of the bastards in my class, irritating people whos goal is to drag me down... NOT GONA HAPPEN!!!!
And i just got a new song, i don't know this sentence in the song means alot to me
"when the rich wage war its the poor who die", its a linkin park song as usual, and it kind of true.
Anyway, im just going to continue life, and continue holding on. Its wired, i always thought letting go would be easier, but it seems, im not good at that, holding on is me=)


Im left in the wake
of the mistakes
slow to react...

The pain has past for now, thanks to cp and jie=), we had a conference last night, and they pulled me back together^^.
Though the pain is over, the wound are still open, and i still feel fragile now. My legs are still weak, i still feel burning within me, but all these is nothing that i can't handle=).
Now my healing, my recovery begins, now is time to re-lock all my feelings away, but this time. But there are some that i feel i would want to release, i guess, it just depends on when im ready.
I still feel my broken heart still in pieces, but thats hard to heal, and i don't think i want to go through it, with the risk of breaking it again, at least not now, but hopefully soon.
Some problems, i guess im ready to face as well. Time to find proper friends who would care about me, not like the bunch i made in my class...
I just hope i don't fall again, in the state im in now, another fall won't be as easy to come out of. I hope i don't let myself down again...


"til the silence splits me open
til it puts me on the ground
til i have no breath
and no roads left but one"
(Linkin Park No Roads Left)
To remind me that i will always be here
Til the very end

Slept earlier last night, but accidentally woke up at 5 instead of 7 because of the alarm=(
Today i was planing to do some studying, and hope that it would be a normal day. Who knew that i ended up slipping like never before...
I got pissed at my mom, because she just wouldn't admit her mistakes, and keeps walking out when people are pointing out her wrong. But thats not what im most concern about, i just told her i won't talk until she admits it.
My tired mind just wouldn't leave me alone today, something broke in me, caused so much thoughts, painful thoughts. CP asked me what was it about, friends, family, exam, or r/s, i don't know, part of everyone of them to be exact.
For my friends, i guess its just people who don't really think about me, just a bystander to them. For my family, im just so freaking pissed at all of them...
For exam and r/s, i really have no more fate in myself, every time i think about it, i see failure, probably more on r/s.
People ask me before, do i want one, i say no, but i do, im just afraid. Im afraid of pain, afraid to fall and not get up, like i see so many do=(.
I don't know whats wrong with me><, i feel like im losing sight of myself, like my existence to myself seems so irrelevant.
Haiz, now i ask myself, how? How could i not know myself anymore...
Now my feelings are taking over, i try to sing a part of a song, tears rush to my eyes, and i feel like something just punched my heart. It hurts...
I try to make my life so that i won't loose anymore, won't get hurt. I have nothing to loose, and lost nothing, how come i still fall? How come i still get hurt?


Pain...
Thats all i see
when i close my eyes
Trying to snap out of it
Just trying

Yesterday, so many unforeseen things happened=(, jie was upset, at the same time as me feeling all the crushed feelings. Couldn't sleep last night, probable slept at 3.30, but remember alot of tossing and turning after that, Woke up at 6.45, dazed, tired, feeling lowest of the low.
The sun was already up, and i couldn't sleep anymore, kept worrying about jie=(, it took me trying out lifting my dads weights to take away the feeling that i always had in the morning.
I smsed jie and went downstairs, cried abit, but pulled myself together. At least when jie called, she seems better, i hope she is and will be=(, i really can't stop myself from worrying=x.
We all went into maple, and did so many things, scarlion, papu, nick's rush quest, and everyone gained something.
When night came my tiredness went into massive state changes. First i felt dazed, and then it started to get worst, to the point of me getting angry at myself for being that way. It was really head bleeding pain, until awhile later, where it just numbed my entire brain, and i couldn't think, walk straight, sit properly and my body constantly threatened to collapse.
Then i suddenly had a rush of thoughts, thoughts of pain, thoughts of sadness, as if something was trying to unlock all i tried to keep aside for now...
Haiz, i feel like im getting better, but its still going to take awhile for me to know for sure......


Mistakes,
i wish i wont make
them ever again
Im afraid to fall again

I feel so dazed, so tired, so crushed. The 1st 2 rest are over, english and chinese, anything can happen, my chinese, either fail completely, or pass well, my english, very well, or border line...
Last night and today i felt something, something forcing me to drag my life, force my legs to be weighted down, my arms, to be slowed. My body just feels so broken now, every move i make, feels like it going to hurt. But the wired thing is, that its not the limps that i move that threatens to hurt, it is my heart.
I keep hearing seemingly angry voices, but theres no one around. The tensions has passed its limits awhile ago. Now i feel lonely, every ones busy now, no one with me now, no one cheering me on. But the feeling, each time i get that i try to knock it out by thinking about those already with me. But even my mind learns, and now rejects any thoughts that can knock those feelings away.
I feel so broken, so out of touch, so much pain, lonely, but these are feelings everyone would feel when their in my state. Tired, sleepy, having headache, merely side effect of sleeping late.
I have not said anything since i put down the phone with jie earlier. Im trying to hold in the screams, the tears that just want to break out now. I wonder if thats the right thing to do, an angry voice at the back of my head tells me no.
I still don't know my problems, now it just feels like a heart full of pain, head full of stress, hand full of anger held in my chest.
Now the wait begins, for the exam to restart. I want to use the time and try and pull myself together. Just hope i don't end up with more pain=(, it already hurts so bad...
I need help to get through this...


I am crumbling
wish it could
just stop...

Hope jiejie is ok=(

The first day of the exam is over, as expected, it felt fast=P, had a wired dream when i fell asleep after doing the paper LOL.
The first was about find a girlfriend, the second was just looking at a picture, as if time stopped.
Of course the dream ended when the teachers said what they always say at the end of tests, "PENCILS DOWN!! THE TEST IS OVER". Scared the hell out of me at the time LOL, when you are forced out of a dream, your mind would merge abit of your dream, with whats happening. Due to that, i heard my discipline master's voice LOL!!!!!!
Haiz, anyway, mornings are still unchanged, wake up wanting to cry for a reason i still don't know. I suppose im getting used to it, just hopes the doesn't worsen.><
Tomorrow is my chinese paper, might as well don't go, but me promise jiejie me will pass the end of year paper, i really hope i can pass it=x. Just going to give it my all, and hope for the FUCKING earnest paper possible for sec 3s=P.
Anyway, after tomorrow, the days will just fly by...


I don't cry
for no reason
I don't cry
For physical pain
I cry when im hurt
just don't know
why im hurt=(

Haiz, tomorrow exams are starting, im happy that at least jie has made me feel better=) THANKS JIEJIE!!!!=D. Still the feeling torment me when i awake, but hopefully they will be gone soon. Time seems so slow these few days, i've been quite anxious.
The bow i have been making done at last^^, took 2 weeks of free time to complete it, but it was fun and worth it=). It just doesn't look nice in pictures though lol. And with all the negative support from my family. Making strong structures has always been abit of a talent of mine. through alot of experimentation, testing, and yes too much TV haha.
I don't know why i seem to have so few social qualities though, i promise im going to fix that by the end of the exams=P.
I still feel tired, even if i sleep early, i no longer get migraines, thats good^^.
Seems like i am getting more easily agitated, but of course, there are people i will never be angry at^^.
I don't know.. So many thoughts going through me now, i feel abit confused, just a little, it makes me paranoid><
Feeling like theres something you missed, like something is missing but you don't know what, whether to do things or not? But these are just thoughts, nothing that cannot be forgotten.
Just give me another week after end of year the exams, me promises me will be cheerful happy and back on my feet^^. And don't worry, me am still here, always here no matter how i feel=)

Im not alone
Never was^^
And never will be
Forever from now,
being me
Always here
for the people with me

Here i lie now, tired. Haven had much sleep yesterday, and i don't know why, after awaking, i am stricken by heart breaking sadness. My mind tells me its nothing, but the pain is just too much to ignore.
Perhaps ignoring all the feelings and thoughts just causes this, i don't know, the thought just came to me. Some thoughts of loneliness, my fears, my paranoia, just decided to eat away my soul.
I really hopes it fades, sooner or later, the pain is as if someone just broke my heart, again and again, but there isn't anyone to do that, i made sure of it since my last try to rebuild my life.
This is probably just an emotional breakdown i guess. But first signs aren't looking good, i was hit by tears followed by sadness on my way home today. Lucky it faded after awhile, as my friends came over to do some work.
I am sure that this was not done my me intentionally, not much has passed through my mind for awhile unless writing my blog.
Anyway, i guess i got other things to worry about. My exams, friends, jie, and all those who need me.
I guess, I hope, this will fade soon...


Need help
can't afford to be
alone at this point=(

My heart aches, lying in pieces already, and still breaking...
I woke up this morning, it was about 5 seconds, when i suddenly felt sadness, pain, sorrow. I started crying, but i don't know why. The pain seem to came out of nowhere, perhaps, there was just too much going through me, so many feelings, so many things left unsaid for too long.
My heart still lies in pieces, only 25% of it remains in tact, but the healing stop there, and no more healing took place. That seemed ok at the time. Just the hole in me again.
Now i feel the pain, everything i should have felt so long ago. my already shattered heart breaks more, the pieces lie in bedded all around my body.
Yet through all this, im still trying to smile, not looking for help. Its a complicated thought that goes through my head. That maybe people just don't want to hear it, or how to say it to them even if they do.
Why is there so much pain, what could have cause my injured heart to be crushed farther.
Even now i feel the leaches on sorrow sucking the life out of my soul. Its frightening.
I don't want to go through this alone=(, and i know im not alone. I need help, this time it even hurts too much to think about it...

Exam is in 2 days, i think i should be ready...


I can't imagine
going through this
alone
Really hope that
im not alone now
I really need you

Im staying here 4ever

It seems as though, all the storms, all the waves hitting this path, all only come when my guard is down. Why is that so? And what am i to do?
Haiz, my world is already so torn up, so broken, as if it has been hit so many times by the storm im protecting against. What do i do? I only see 2 choices, to stay and protect, or to return to my path and clean it up. This is almost not a question anymore...
I don't want to abandon the people who i feel closes to, and even if i did go back, i will just be alone again. There is no one walking on my path anymore, and i guess many have even forgotten about it, including me.
I really don't want to move from where i am, i am happy here, not alone, nor upset. But still, no human can stand aside to watch their world in the state mine is now. But there i am alone, not a person walks that path with me, and not a person will want to walk it with me.
For now, i will keep to the promise. I will ALWAYS be here, no matter what happens to myself or my world. This is where i feel a sense of belonging, a sense of happiness. And no matter how crapped up my world gets, as long as i have to return to it alone, i will never go back to it.
Still my heart sinks, as i know im back to sitting here to watch and be ignored. The storm won't return unless im gone, so im back to doing nothing...... the feeling of unimportance is painful...
Im flooding with feelings, they make me want to cry, but i don't know what they are...

A sense of belonging
is more important then
a sense of achieving

It really seems like it, the storm, its gone. All the pains, everything, seems to have missed everyone i was trying to protect. Im still not sure whether to let my guard down or not, but its hard, one person, alone being paranoid.
I guess, its really time to admit my job is done for now. I don't know whether to smile or not, now im kind of dizzy, headache, and yea can't walk straight. My purpose her has been drained, i should be happy, but whats there to be happy about at this dead end? My time left here is up to the people i walk with now=), i really hope i can stay, despite being unable to move. My fear is for them to forget me, loose interest in me, but who am i to decide for them=x.
Now i return to my line, my "home". It seems so broken, so empty, i really did not want to come back. But this is my life, whether its pretty or not, and i guess its just me, left in here to clean it up...
Without anything left for me to do, i guess, my focus is back on my exams. I still gots people i want to achieve good grades for, even if this year isn't all that important.
I guess im ready, ready to get to sec 4 anyway=x. Still, this end of year exam is like a challenge to me, all the other test, all the other CAs or SAs don't matter to me, this is what i have been waiting for to be over.
Oh well, i got time, not like another purpose will appear out of the blue tomorrow.


Even with this
emptiness of uselessness
I am happy,
happy for you guys=)

Looks like everything is back to normal, everyone's smiling again. Still i dare not let my guard down.
Jie and CP just went offline, my mom is starting to nag me abit too. I started thinking, but these don seem to be happy thoughts.
I was trying to remember how i ended up here, what are my goals on this road. I still remember 1 thing i said to myself at the very beginning.
I thought, this was going to be like everyone else i met so far, just stay awhile, settle the problem, and i disappear after it is done. But its different, its lasting longer, giving me more enjoyment, meeting people i really want to care about. I finally found something i feel close to.
But all the thoughts are shattered by one thing. What if im done here, what happens after all is done, is it just going to end just like that again?.. tears flow from my eyes as these are being thought, though i am not crying. What keeps coming to mind, is to make it last longer, but that will cause only more suffering and sadness, nothings pains me more then seeing those around me hurt, even the thought of being pushed aside does not bring that amount of pain.
I know, all the people reading this is going to say that they will always need me. And i know that i will stay here as long as they allow me. But eventually, a dried up leaf drops from the tree, falling to the grown and crumbling.
OMG!!! Im thinking so negatively again><
The last phase is almost complete, i don't know how i will react when i see if finished, will i be overjoyed that all the pains and suffering is over? or will i despair after undoing myself willingly? I have never been one to think of my outcome, and even if i do, as long as i served a purpose in someone's life, even if it means killing myself inside in the end, i will still be happy=). After all, im only human, if this was what was intended for me, to sacrifice all i have to help anyone, then i will do it happily.
Still i wonder what will be my outcome, already i feel abit of the neglect that comes when your use is over, will this neglect grow to the point to me being pushed aside?
I don't know, and probably won't want to, it just hurts to think about the loneliness i once suffered.
I really hope u guys won't leave me=(, i can't bear feeling the lonely and purposeless life i used to feel again... a friend is all i am now


Neglect? or
Thinking too much?
I don't know
It still feels
lonely at times
Learning to live with it

The storm still lurks just out side of this world, my guard is up, and i am prepared for the worst.
For now at least my efforts to stop it is working, many things are starting to return to the way they are suppose to be.
The exams grow ever nearer, and i guess im pretty much ready, most of my studying is best done under pressure just before the exam itself.
Its finally my birthday month^^, and finally, a year that i have people who care about me to share it with. Past birthdays, weren't as bad still, but the past 2 had been nothing much.
I really can't wait^^, the chalet will be booked by the weekend and the plans are almost ready=).
Hopefully all the effort to stop the storm has worked><. My fear is that i would have to spend my birthday alone=(


My time is coming,
after these long years
its finally my turn
to be happy=)

My name is Wei Yan(magas).Still is secondary school. Open to all around me. Lonely at times. Always wanted my own story. This is my life.

»Ray
»Xiao Min
»Ting
»CP&TING
»Selina/DARLING

By post:
My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...
Change
"Little" Kid
Protest In Silence
The Weekend
Endless Time
My Dream Coming True
Warped Time
Time Is Ticking
Clear The Storm

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August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009