Exams are almost here, i feel storms coming. And its not only the exams.
Lately it feels as though everything is just threatening to explode, all the demons, all the feelings, everything is just about to give way.
I used to wake up staring at the beautiful sky which although meant that there was peace, just causes thoughts to go through my mind. With each beautiful day that passes, a new storm prepares to rain down. All the feelings that have been locked away, now too are breaking through the doors of my soul.
Im preparing for the worst, all the loose ends, all the forgotten details, all i have sealed as tight as i am allowed. But i am only me, a weak teenager, a shadow of what i felt i was awhile ago.
How come, how come everything has to happens at once. And now i feel even more useless, my use has literally cut down to only watching. In any case, a watcher does not intervene, but i don't want to sit back, and watch all the suffering from where i stand, i want to help.
I have been holding off fate countless times, is that really such a sin that now i am forbidden to help?
I don't know, i just don't want to watch, thats all i did for so long.


The storms coming
i just hope it doesn't
finally destroy all
i know and love

So many unseen sides were reviled today, so many things that i have foreseen seem to be happening. But all happening before i thought it would...
For awhile, i knew jie would eventually return to spooky, but who knew that what i worked for to help CP open his eyes would only be short lived. Something has happened, acceptance maybe, i feel it chilling my bones to the core. I myself have accepted facts as well, but it seems that it is not me accepting this time.
For the first 3 months after getting close with jie, i guess she had seen 1 thing that have pretty much admitted, i did have feelings for her, but now those feelings have been locked away, accepted as impossibilities, and to allow me to go on enjoy what time is left on this road. But now i see those feelings in ray, and have been ever since he came back from msia. Still don't know if im right, but i really don't want to find out, so many things happening now, im getting afraid if all of them happen at the same time=(. And this, i guess, is going to be one of the hardest to go through.
I guess Jie has also went through her own acceptance, still, i am afraid of the out come. Humans were never made to let go nor to sacrifice, if there is pain, it is unlikely that it will heal by itself. I am here for you ok jie, always is and always will be^^
I still haven't heard from cp ever since last week though, wondering whats he up to.
As for myself, today has pretty much been a long day, my friends vandalized our class walls during last period when there was no teacher with us, abit afraid that i may be blamed for it=x. Nights are still the longest, still filled with paranoia, but at least no more pain is there. Thoughts continue to flood my head. Recently i have been trying to foresee what will happen now. I feel the pressure building already, the tension in the air, i just hopes nothing blows up, not now...


No progress happens
without sacrifice
or acceptance
But im tired of sacrificing
everything i have

Exams are coming, By next week thursday, day 1 of it begins. Im still nervous about chinese, literature and social studies, but i think i got the rest down. Im planning to test myself one of the days before the exam starts. For chinese, literature and social studies, all that needs to be done is reading, but i can bearing stare at a short chinese sentence for 5 minutes unless it is followed by questions, and even that gives me headache after awhile.
I guess social studies can be pulled up if i start reading now, though my teacher says its impossible. I can remember key facts to everything that is in the syllabus only not the format in which i am to write it in.
Anyway, i won't be using much social studies in the future, for now its just something that i want to replace my chinese with to achieve a better score when i go for my N levels.
Though time seems so little to those that don't have these exams, to me, there is alot of time. Each day i can understand 1 new concept, and that will give me more then enough for the end of year. On top of all this, i don't really have much to do anymore, my days seem to be reduced to waiting.
But in my eyes, this is the isolation that helps me open my eyes, to let me read people better, to understand them better. I accepted that for now i am to watch and follow, so thats what im going to do.
They say time waits for no man,who ever thought that i would be the one waiting for it.

I just want
to be moving again
Not waiting

For awhile now, i walked on a path closes to the people who need me. Now the path im walking on is about to reach a dead end. I have always tried to help people no matter what the cost, no matter what sacrifice it takes, And it seems that i eventually meld into their lives.
Now the story is ending, even now, it seems like im no longer needed. Though i am preparing to retrace my steps back to where i start to wait for a new path that i may take, i still continue the path to the very end, although my usefulness and influence has left me, and this path no longer offers anything more to love, i still enjoy walking it, enjoy the peace, the story, and still feel close everyone that i am walking with. And when the time finally comes to turn back, i don't know if i can even take the walk back. On the way back i would see all the memories, how the story came to be, how i came into the story, and also how i leave it.
It is a painful thing to think about, never the less, it will happen. No matter how much i do, i discovered that no one needs a person like me forever, and though i feel like i may be wrong about that, for now at least, it keeps me trying my best, to prove myself wrong, thats the goal i want to achieve.
For now i want to enjoy whats left of my time here, even though i am useless, and even if no one on this road needs me anymore, i am reverted back into a shadow. But like i promised before, i will stay til the day u don't want me here. And if ever that day comes, i will vanish, all that i have done, all that i helped accomplish, will all be forgotten, as if i never existed. Still every, path that i walk is engraved in my mind, i will never forget all the hardships and laughter we shared.
Every time someone asks me if i am ready, i always reply, im always ready, for once im not, and never will be.
Even if i may be a shadow, i will still watch over u guys, try and do what i can for you guys. Now that i think about i never really did anything on this path, i only guided, but never did anything, you guys did it yourselves.

Like a shadow
im always here
for you guys

Yesterday, after talking to jie and cp at night, i decided to cast aside all these feelings of loneliness. Since then, alot of those feelings have subsided, thanks to them=). Though, it was not done without cost, pissed jie quite abit><, for that i will always feel guilt. The guilt is one that will remind me, never to go near that path again. Then again, because of all that, it seems i have made another oversight when writing my blog yesterday. Hopefully i didn't spark anything too large><, i always wanted to be the one that ends the flame not start it.
Today i spent most of the day onl9 with cp, jie and ray^^. jie woke up real late, must have been extremely tired the yesterday.
We slacked online until jie wanted to smoke, and did around 4. I didn't know that, but by the first 10 minutes i already guessed it lol, cp had called herand they chatted til they fell asleep LOL. Still i decided to wait, i went to my corner in FM room 18, and started thinking.
The thoughts didn't hurt this time, more did it touch the part of my mind that i had wanted to awake for a long time now.
It seems like the campaign for happiness that i had start for jie and cp seems to be coming to an end. As i promised, the plan has a far better outcome then rick's instant gratifying plan of just using himself to cover the hole, no, i had fate that by guidance alone and by resolving problem, would we truly get anywhere.
Phase 1 of the plan has been completed, and now is the part where i meld back into the shadows to watch. Phase 1 was to make CP realize mistakes and correct them permanently. Now is where my usefulness comes to an end, the part where they start drifting away from my guidance and friendship, to live on.
Still, phase 2 at this point is equally important. The story it seems, is ending soon. Any sadness, any misconceptions til then takes away time that cannot be recovered. My reason for existence here, is to watch, and protect the peace that has befallen us.
Even as time goes on, and my purpose in life is reduced back to waiting and watching, now at least, it happens with peace, no more regrets, no more words that i felt were left unsaid.
The only question i have to myself now, is what do i wait for now? Why do i wait here, instead of move on? What else is there to wait for once this is over? All these question, i could remember the promise to stay with u guys until the very end, not end of the story, but end of my eternity.


For now i lie here useless and motionless
waiting, for my purpose to be revived
Until it does i will remain here
always being here for you guys

Haiz, today of all days i feel down...
I just want the loneliness to go away, instead today it brought me more pains. Headache, stomach ache, tired even though i slept early, and my body felt so weak. If there wasn't anything to lean on i would have fell, all that on top of the heavy burning in my heart.
Worst still, now i don't feel like i can talk anymore, it was the feeling i had back when all i wanted was to watch, watch people's lives, not to intervene. I feel like i am invisible again, everything i say, everything i do, seems to do nothing, as if it was never done.
Eventually, i learn to not waste my breath and just stop talking...
I felt like i was being ignored by everyone...
I couldn't talk to jie cause she was buzy, and even if i tried, the reply will just come back slow or not at all. I don't blame them cause this is their time i understand, more do i blame myself for letting me slip so far...
I don't feel any light anymore, i close my eyes, hoping the light has not gone, but after today, i dare not hope again. Each hope seems to be crushed, striking me harder and harder. It seems like its easier not to hope, not to want.
I thought the loneliness could be eazed last night, jie wasn't that sleepy, i thought that night would not be lonely. But she needed to talk to ray, he hadn't talked to her since he came back, and who am i to stop her, he probably wanted to talk to her more. I told myself one thing, without anyone willing to sacrifice anything, nothing will be accomplished. Still that did not in anyway eaz my loneliness...
Jie is still out with cp, i hope they have a good time.
From the time i got home til now, all i did was sit and stare, thinking, trying to find away to eaz the loneliness. But the thought was interrupted when my sis brought her friends home. I retreated to the one thing that still seems like it can listen to me, the computer. Despite that it does not have life, it is the last thing that i can vent my feelings out on.
I know, almost no one reads my blog now, and i don't know why i still type so much here. I guess some hopes are harder to let go. I just hope that one of you guys would still be reading. But i guess like all the other hopes, fate will just use it to crush my spirit again...
So much pain, so much loneliness, so much anger, but no way to cure it. Thats what hits me the most.
Through all this, i find it hard to show it, everyone that talks to me, i just give them a short reply, online or while using the hand phone, i seem cheerful as if theres nothing happening to me...
I just need someone, just ONE, that can shine on me now.
Haiz, but thats just another hope to be crushed......
through all this i can't help but feel like i missed something, something that caused all these feelings to erupt in me.
But, im only me. I only can take so much of this before i breakdown myself, and i feel like im on the verge of giving up...
It seems like all this few weeks, the blog has only been about my feelings, it was never intended to be read, and it might well never be read...
Haiz, this is the first time i let my emotions affect me physically, i really have slipped, slipped far.
After im done posting this i will go back to staring at nothing i guess......


Feels like no one is shining on me anymore
Feels like im alone...

Just got my phone back today, i don't know, seems like one day has past, and now im confused, disorientated at where i am. I didn't really get back my hand phone until 1.30, before then i was feeling so lifeless in school, feeling tired, just wanting to lie down on the table and sleep. I really missed jie as normally i would be checking on her as well><
Really wasn't in a good mood, with every small irritants i come across i just felt like screaming><.
If you guys thought its because i didn't get enough sleep last night, i slept at 11, earliest since the start of the week, and i feel downer then ever...
Last night was the worst, i lay down after i was done with my work around 10, and i couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness. I really don't blame anyone for this, i knew what everyone was doing at that time, and why they couldn't be there to es my loneliness. Jie was already sleeping, and i was sure she wouldn't still be awake, but i kept hanging on to my house phone.
Then i kept hearing my friend's voices, it took me an hour to think of something that will get rid of those sounds.
And even in sleep, i wasn't at peace. I had a dream, a dream of being locked in a white room alone, where i slowly lost my mind. The wired thing is, i really do feel like im loosing it><. I seem to be talking less, talking softer, talking softer, as if i was dieing somehow...
Haiz, i don't blame anyone for this loneliness, i really don't, i just wish it would leave me alone like how it did 2yrs ago......


Exams are coming,
don't know if this will destroy
all i want to accomplish...

Looks like the day of happiness is over, feels so short until i thought of the boredom i had just thinking about whats going on.
Ray seems to be back, he really misses jie alot after he came back from msia. At least their finally getting to talk soon ba.
Last night was and unusually lonely night as well. So i lay down to think, wired thing is that while i was thinking, i suddenly heard noises i knew couldn't be real. The nights are especially lonely for me, the last person that i would hear, is my mom to check if i was about to sleep, if not jie if she calls.
I enjoy it when she calls, it makes me feel like someone is comforting me, and when she conferences with cp it just becomes funny and i forget the thoughts going through my head.
But that night jie went to sleep early, and my mom did not come in my room. It was in one word, lonely. from the time i got home from teakwando, i took my bath and lay down on my bed, knowing that it will be by myself, alone.
Thats why it was wired when i started hearing my hand phone vibrate when i wasn't, and my com making msn sounds when it was off. Things that i would use to interact with others, most probably because i was lonely. I still checked them hoping that somehow, some way someone did just sms or call, but, the same was expected each time, nothing, zero, rock bottom...
Eventually i ignored it, and fell asleep...

Today however, something abit different on top of the lonesome feeling lingering in me, Got my handphone confiscated again, that was a downer><, friend kicked it when i dropped it on the floor then got picked up by teacher lol, hopefully i can get it back by tomorrow, going to miss jiejie=(... it feels like something is about to happen
Something is going to happen
Hopefully something good><

Today was the first day i tried my best to focus on work. I tried my best to focus in class, and yea, feels like im learning=P.
Smsed jie abit less, so i can focus more on the lesson rather then talking to her, pretty much worked, but yea, me missed jiejie=(. At least all lessons have to end, so yea i smsed her at the end of each lesson^^.
The day has been pretty normal, by all standard, this has been the most normal day i felt in awhile.
Maybe just enjoy it for awhile, but in the mids of all the peace, and serenity of it all, i still feel something burning in me, and eventually this calmness will become unbearable just as the pain before it, only then will i open the flame, and see what keeps it burning.
For now, exams are near, im trying to do more studying before next week, then by next week, i guess i will be crazy studying...
Wish me luck, and hope jie will be with me til the end, thanks for being here so far^^

I have never been a hero for anyone before, not once something good has happened because of me, that is y i find so much pleasure in trying to help people, so far, it has only been hope that kept me going, the hope to finally see me be able to do something, to be the one that did it, not the one who comforts or stands by. But recently, i ask myself, how can i be a hero for anyone if i can't even do it for myself, all my problems, all of them are resolved, not by me, by someone else, another hero, this exam could be a start, something that i finally accomplish. And perhaps, maybe just perhaps, bring me one step closer to do something for someone else, be someone's hero.

The best weekend i ever had has come to an end. The weekend started with CP, Jie, Alvin going to buy CP's bday present at tempanis. First we went to meet Jie and Alvin at their house, then go to jie's office to get her jacket lol. It was the first time seeing Alvin, and yea, almost the same as my other friend at school haha=P.
We went to the hotel first, to put down our stuff, the hotel receptionist was abit rude at first, cause there was 4 of us, and we booked a two person room. But yea, after you get past ignoring what he said, he's quite friendly ba.
We wanted to watch G-force, but the timing for it was so fucked-up, that we couldn't catch it, so Jie chose another movie=P, time traveler's wife lol.
It was an ok movie, quite touching=P.
Then jie reminded me that we forgot to buy the cake LOL!!!! So we decided to split up, me and cp went to get drinks, jie and alvin went to get the cake, so we can keep it a surprise=P
Alvin and jie wanted to go to the hotel room first, to prepare the surprise, but got stuck outside the room lol.
When we got in, we waited for the pizza, i went to bath first, then alvin, then jie and cp.
Just nice they were showing hancock that night=P, a movie after the movie, how nice lol.
We chatted until about 1, then we tried to sleep, i couldn't sleep, at first was don't know why, but didn't want to disturb cp and ting talking, so i kept quiet. Then they came over to shift Alvin, cause he was taking up so much space on the bed LOL, it was nice of them^^
Oh ya almost forgot, every time jie was in the toilet, me and Alvin were fighting on the bed LOL, he keep hitting my leg and i kept making him fall haha=P.
Then this morning, we spent the first part of the day watching a ghost movie, then decided on a place for eating.
Went near jie's work place to eat, had mixed rice=P, nearly the same as the one my mom use to bring me to at chai chee.
Then slacked there for awhile, before going to Jie's house to slack and play dai di=P, and NO!!! We did not play money, if not i will be COMPLETELY broke by now haha=x
Anyway, thanks jie and cp for letting be part of their lives, it hasn't always been a happy journey, but it seems the more hardship we go through together, the closer we get.^^ And remember me will ALWAYS be here, forever, til the day you don't want me anymore.
Me loves being here^^
That could have been something i wrote on a card for them, but did not have paper><, anyway enjoy the stars^^, no matter the size, like a star in the sky, let it watch over you, as i always will.

Now the work for exams begin...
Its going to be hard><, hope jie can be with me through these hard 3 weeks=)

Finally the day to celebrate CP's bday has come^^. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Im shaking with excitement and i can't stop lol.
Meeting the whole gang today=P, its going to be so fun^^
Time to be happy and enjoy this happy day=)

Finally the weekend i have been waiting for is finally here^^. The excitement has lifted almost all the symptoms of not sleeping for i don't know how long already.
The torment has finally lifted, all the pains all the noises has left me, for now i feel at least at peace.
But out of the serenity and peacefulness of it all, a slight bit of sadness remains, what is it? Thats a question even i can't answer now...
Thing is, finally i don feel anger or sadness on top of my sleepiness, i feel like myself again^^
Things are falling back into place again, my world feels almost complete again.

And yea i haven't been writing about what i have been up to for awhile, soon my friends, SOON!!

Its Thursday, i have been miserable for 4 days already><. Im done with it, I want to feel better. For most of today, my torment has lifted abit, probably cause i slept more last night, almost fell asleep in oral when it was close to my turn.
But seems like the energy that i felt was short lived. Now im feeling the full burden of being tired.
AHHHH!!! At least i felt comfort for awhile. Thanks to jie and cp, managed to catch some sleep last night ba. THANKS GUYS^^!!!
But seems like i've lost most of my mind to the torment, for the entire day i was blur, couldn't hear most of what the teacher was saying, and i couldn't think straight><. I seem to panic when anything that forces me to think fast, thats just not me, that just doesn't happen to me. Its so frustrating just feeling it is enough, but now im affected by it, my performance, my abilities, haiz Im done with it, im getting rid of it, THIS WEEK, i can't imagine it escalating, already i felt what might happen if it continues. Slowly, one by one, im going to stop working. Already i worked out how a person dies of no sleep, first he looses his mind, starts slipping, making mistakes, that alone is to weaken the human ability to react, but not enough to kill him. Next, control of limbs becomes harder and harder, starting from the part that does more work, the legs to the arms. Eventually, the stress on the brain will cause hallucinations and unreasonable paranoia. that alone with the loss of control over body parts becomes a potent combination that will cause him to make possibility fatal mistakes.
I don't want to die like that, im still young, only 15, i still have a life.
For a long time i always wanted to be needed. Needed to help, needed to comfort, needed to guide, i want to do them all. In a way it gives me satisfaction to some extent. But now, it seems, im the one that needs help. Now is the loneliest time i ever had, less people to talk to, less people who understand me, less people to help me. This is an irony i never expected, it has never been in my nature to find help, but now i do, i admit it. I now realize that the world is too harsh for someone as weak as me to wonder alone...

And i hope i never need to......

Its been about a month since i couldn't seem to get much or no sleep. I don't know whats wrong, every time i lie down, emotions and thoughts just flood my head.
I don't have any disease, im just tired, no normal person my age will know how its like, to want to sleep, but just couldn't, no normal person will know what its like to close your eyes, to see sorrow, and despair. The torment is almost unbearable, but yet i choose to go on.
There must be something missing from me, something that can still be recovered, something that comforts me, and blocks all this torment.
last night however, wasn't as bad, jie and cp talked to me before i slept, so a few minutes after i hang up, i went to sleep, only to be FREAKING woken up again by a dream......
I fainted in school, i just finished my test, and just like that, everything went black. Joel poked me to wake me up, i guess they didn't even know i had fainted, they thought i fell asleep lol. In a way, fainting is sleeping, but on a more breaking down fashion.
Haiz, guess my limit is almost reached, i always thought i could take more, always thought i was stronger...
Its a truth i can't deny, i can talk strong, and can act strong, but im weak...
Still im not one to give up, let the torment continue if it must, let everything i know and love be taken away if its the way fate had decided, im not giving up, not going down, as long as there is one star that shines, im staying here, even if the star isn't me, as long as light still shines, i will always be happy!!!!
It only takes one, just one, one person to keep away of the emptiness i once felt and to give this dreamer and his hopes up......
I just hope there will always be someone there for me, and i know there are already, people who want to be here til the story ends.

Haiz, seems like i have no interest in whats happening in school anymore, i've been thinking quite alot, trying to go through each problem still bottled up in me.
These few days i haven't been getting much sleep, with the turmoil of emotions in me, i guess, its because, i was thinking too much. every night when i go to sleep, paranoia and worries hit me, and each weeknight is as cruel as the last. Night it seems, is the loneliest part of each day, so, for at least that short time, everything i do, think and feel, is mostly done by myself. Every attempt to comfort myself, is followed by more questions and thoughts that worry me so.
I miss the times that i have people to talk to and comfort me before i sleep, when i was younger, it used to be my mom, but now, what she talks about irritates me, and seems to push me more then comfort me, she will keep going on and on about things she read about people my age and keep nagging me about it... And during sec 1, it was my friends, we will just keep conferencing and chatting lol, but now, they all are busy with work and computer at night.
How i wish there was someone there at night that i can talk to, to let out feelings and thoughts, so that i may go to sleep happy. Every night it seems, i only get about an hour of sleep before waking up, and even in sleep, im not happy, each minute im still taunted by what i was thinking about and wake up soon after... Every night i go to sleep agitated, confused, paranoid, and even if i sleep smiling, behind the smile is a tormented soul which just wan peace, just for the night.
Is that really too much, is that really out of my reach? To be able to sleep happily, without all the paranoia and worries. If it really is, i might as well be dead inside...
All the torment will soon come to me when im awake as my body tries to sleep in the day, and soon every moment, every second, every beat of my heart will be filled with torment, and i really will become a tormented soul......

I think the bottle in me has stopped filling already. Seems like talking about it really helps, smsed most of what i felt to jie in the morning and nearly got my handphone confiscated again by a more strict teacher for doing so lol=P. But yea, its still pretty full><. I guess i have to slowly work it out ba, at least the pressure has stopped rising, if it continues i think im going to blow anytime soon.
I realized alot of my fears, alot of my mistakes. Im afraid to be alone, to have no one to turn to, to pushed aside like a tool. Im afraid, to be left, to be forgotten, haiz, in my mind i did felt like i was being forgotten by everyone around me, i felt like i made so many mistakes that i have become obsolete, useless, to all that i felt close to.
Haiz, its scary to be alone, its as if life were a dark room, and the people you have with you lights it up, but the painful part, is watching all those people leave, every bright star in your life suddenly disappearing, making life that much dimmer, and darker.
I really hope i can never have this feeling again><, but then although my life is bright, they are lit up by few but bright stars, its my nature to find good friends, those that will never try and hurt me. But thats also what leaves me so vulnerable, so afraid to loose... so exposed to pain and sorrow to strike at me.
It is in human nature to find a group, to make their life brighter, but for me, i don't want to start picking off dim stars, that although keeps me more safe, are like empty balls of light with little purpose, no, i want to be bright differently, i want close friends, not just friends to protect me, but who will care for me.
I have made myself this way, as in the past although i had many friends, they were random, had no meaning and didn;t really give a shit about me. And i grew envy for the people who had little, but that much more caring friends...

I wan that type of life... I really do......

Today was ok i guess, spent the day in maple, helping cp, jie, and rick to hb while they spammed.had to cut my hair lol, it sucks.
Haiz, i don't know whether its because im tired or what. I just don't feel happy today, i guess thats the sign that the bottle in me is about to explode. I think it only leaked today, as only short bursts of pain hit me at a time.
Now im trying to think, why? I didn't know so much has been bottled up in such a short time, and now the pressure hurts even more.
i shedded a few tears earlier, i don't know why, and for awhile now my eyes are watering. What is this feeling im having, its not emptiness, its not a sense that something is coming, maybe, its just because i haven't talked to anyone much since the middle of the holidays...
Haiz, school again tomorrow, let the hiding and lies begin, no one in school must find out about this.
I really didn't feel like it was fair for for them if i were to spill all these emotions on everyone today, they just seem so happy at the beginning, and having develop their own problems at the end. Jie was happy at the beginning and now shes upset, i guess shes talking to cp now, who is taking care of her in her time of need. I don't think im who they need to hear now.... Everyone else just won't understand this problem, the line for them will be "your thinking too much" or "LOL wei yan is emo"......
AHHHHH I HATE MYSELF!!!! How come my options are so limited, why must it be now that i realize all this. Im lonely, with so few i can share with and those i can share with busy with their situations.
I know, right now i guess i should put myself at the last priority, and even if i think about it, i can't do anything alone, i just end up shedding tears...
I guess right now everyone including myself has put me at their last priority list, even if its just for work, im last priority. I enjoy this ability to sometimes be forgotten, to disappear, and be ignored, to be found later after i have gone, but sometimes that is what brings me down most...

Today just cam back from Ngee Ann poly, it was so freaking big lol. No didn't bring back any prize because of ALOT of rule change at the last minute. Haiz, was disappointed at that, i thought to myself, at least today i will still get to go home so i was still pretty happy.
Haiz, today was suppose to be a good day, how come it seems to end so wrong. When i came home, jie and cp was already spamming, rick was hbing, immediately Ray appeared upset, and that was the first problem of the day, it took awhile before we managed to talk some sence into him, by that time i was reminded i needed to go to my grandma's house at night...
I thought to myself, minor set back, after i come home i can finally enjoy being back with the people i missed. AHHHHHHH, FUCK MYSELF FOR THINKING THAT!!! Jie called just before i left my grandma's place, she sounded so upset><, but my mom and dad was there, and so i can't talk too openly like i always do. I told her i will call when i got home. She didn't answer, and so i found her on maple spamming again. She seems so upset, and that made the bottle feelings in me to leek out abit, i really wanted to know what had happened... she just wasn't in the mood to talk yet. It is these times that i hate myself for being part of the background of it all...
And now pains and anger is bottled up again, giving me pain as the bottle over fills and pressure of sadness build up in my heart.
How could a day i've been looking forward to turn out so FUCKING wrong. I guess i blame myself, every time i look forward to something, everything just falls apart. I don't know, probably i curse that i carry...
Haiz its starting to get painful to push my problems aside, but the only people that i trust with sharing it with all have their own problems. I don't wan to be a burden at this time of distress for them, and yea, i guess i can't expect too much, im just another person in their lives......
Perhaps when everything has calmed down for them, and their not in such distress that i cause them that much more problems, but i don't dare to hope too much anymore, it hurts to see hope being crushed like that...
Haiz, it is times like these that being alone for so long actually comes in useful, i guess i can hold on, for how long is my question

Haiz, my mind seems to have cooled down since yesterday, helping me think more clearly.
Yesterday seemed like such a hurricane, so much knocked of balance, including myself. Today was better at least, in cca we made another bridge in 5hours 49minutes, and our time limit on tomorrow is 6hours. I've got to say the this one is better then the first that took 6hours(but with slacking in the middle) to complete.


1st try


2nd try
If u can't tell the diff, look closer haha
the 1st hold 3kg of weight, the 2nd holds 10kg and doesn't bend, there gots to be a difference right?=P
We voted for pink cause be agreed "only real men would use pink" LOL
And yea burned myself alot ogain, 14 times.

After school i was smsing jie, but had to meet the new councilor for awhile. I guess i was more angry at the FUCKING bitch that had to be there. Had a quarrel and a loud one, before i left with my friend, really felt like waking her, shes lucky shes a girl.
I guess that was cause by all the feelings i've been building up for quite awhile. I figured out my problem already, im lonly here. So little people understand what im going through, my parents, my friends, most just don't understand. And even the ones who do understand, like cp or jie all i feel guilty if i put my problems on them. I don't even know y i bother anymore, i can't find a way to fix this until after my school days, I DON'T WANT THIS FEELING FOR ANOTHER 4 YEARS!!! Im loosing my mind over this, i can't seem to focus, i can't get a grip...
AHHHH I CAN'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT WITH THIS ON MY MIND!!!!!!!



Haiz, tomorrow is the competition, better get ready...

Yesterday i was feeling happy as ever, Jie and CP were happy, i was thinking less, it seemed like it was there to stay. But that night when i went for my teakwando, i had a feeling, it felt like something was wrong, something was about to happen, as usual. Then i wondered what jie was doing, so i checked my hand phone during the break, jie smsed that she was crying><, but that wasn't the end, today she told me what happened to her last night. At the same time, i felt my pain again><, AHHHHHHH!!!! I guess at least now im coming close to thinking of a reason for my pain this time.
Hazizz, time is moving to fast><, Just yesterday i felt happiness, now i feel misery and sorrow.
For now im worried more about jie, she seems so down, depressed><. How i wish we can take a break, make time stop and relax for a moment. With each word i type here it seems as though im about to cry><, my heart fills with endless wants for others around me to be happy. Thoughts and things im doing for myself seem to have become a second nature, so that much more of my effort can be put into thought.
Why is this pain so hard to bare!!!>< I've taken 23 burns from the hot glue gun and 4 paper cuts today, and yet i didn't whine nor cry, but this, this is causeing my heart to cry and me to tear up.
I HATE IT WHEN THERES NO WHERE FOR ME TO TURN OR NO WAY TO HELP!!!!!!!...

Today wasn't disappointing, feels like so long since i felt this happy^^. All the feelings that caused me pain seemed to have vanished, into the cold never ending void of time. Today i went to school for my remedial, seems like i use less effort to stay happy=P, And i also don't hesitate to smile anymore^^.
Things are looking up, my life seems to be going back the the boring peace that i once hated, but now savor and appreciate. I hope this would last as long as it could, but hope don't bring much promise, as time goes on, it will bring more pains that will fill my heart. But now, now is the time to be happy, as long as i can, to think and see what is going around me, without feeling pain or sorrow. I never want to be left behind, physically and mentally, and i will drag myself to achieve that.
Thinking about it now makes me feel better, there was nothing that i should have been upset about, or maybe it has already past. What ever the case, the feeling is gone, im thankful for that.
Time for me to look a different way to see whats coming ahead and answer what questions linger in my head.
But still, like every feeling that comes and goes, it leaves emptiness, that i happily take knowing that its less painful.
Things are looking up... They are......

Yesterday was great^^, JieJie just came back from Malaysia, and we were planning for awhile to meet her and CP that day. And yea, after awhile of delay we did. Lol, first times are always shy times, i could tell jie was shy, me i can feel it so strongly lol, CP, well abit hard to say, u touch ur face when ur lying or shy, but that was the only sign LOL.
We stayed around jie's house for awhile to chat, then went to long john to eat. I really didn't feel hungry, but yea just choosed a chicken dish haha=P. Was prepared to pay, but jie already payed, and didn't want to take my money><. Anyway thanks jie^^, me owes you one. Over there i did something disgusting, although i didn't do it for quite awhile already, it still didn't seem hard to do lol, i dropped a french fry on the floor and ate it=P, felt abit stupid, but yea THATS ME^^. Then started spitting ice at each other lol, more at CP cause shoot jie not fun to shoot lol.
Then we went playground, was my usual me, lol, climbing up. Jie said i was a monkey><, ME AM NO MONKEY!!! Anyway, all three of use ended up lying down on slides. And jie started smoking lol><, jiejie jyjy stop smoke ok, then cp was like right beside her, complete second hand smoking lol.
After awhile we got tired, me as usual stayed quiet, but thats me, i like disappearing whem im tired. CP also seemed to be getting emo, jie tried cheering him up, and i used joels method, POKING=P.
Around 11 we decided to go home, CP accompanied jie up to her house, i stayed downstairs, found a corner to sit while waiting lol=P.
The night stared abit bumpy, but yea, it was fun^^.
Then today, was dragged to sentosa by mom LOL. It was so boring><, was thinking of what cp and jie were doing lol. Missed them abit><, didn't really have a chance to chat with them much today. I got a new handphone at the end of the day lol, need to change sim card by wensday=P.
For awhile all my feeling were forgotten there, i really felt free again^^. But yea happiness don't last forever, especially for me><. Haiz, Jie, im sure everything will work out, CP, stop crapping when your bored=P. Really hope your happiness will last near forever^^.
Tomorrow i have school again, my busy time is come, hope im not dead at the end.
Now is the only time since last night that i have to think of whats happening to me and around me, got to say, its hard to catch up...

woke up today with the same feeling as yesterday, feels like a bomb waiting to blow up in me. Early morning mom had to force my sis to do work, so as usual, must punish me cause she protested against it... Really bad timing for this, of all times she must do it now, normally i would tell her off, but this time i really had no mood to put up with it, so yea ignored what she told me and did work lo.
She tried to make me read chinese, i just walked past her like she wasn't there, really like no sensible, see me so moody trying to pin my sis failure on me. Eventually she got my point and yea she promise to leave me alone tomorrow woots^^.
So after i was done with work i went on maple and my corner to think as usual=P. The pain seems to be lurking in there all the while. Jie says it was just because i was bored, but ya, even while dotaing, the pain is there.
Anyway, i've decided to turn my back on this feeling, try to let go of it, but from past experience, i don't think it will work, but makes it worst.
Haiz at least now the feeling is numbed, i can get some time to pull myself together.
Jiejie is coming home tomorrow too^^, won't want to waste my mom free day haha, might be finding her and CP tomorrow, first time, so im excited=P.
OH MAN its so hard to believe its holiday, the exams are so near it even over shadows my free days.
Wooooo, my camping trip at ngee ann poly was comfermed earlier today=P. Thats also something to look forward to, hopefully my handphone will be fixed by then, the silence of my moms hand phone is deafening.
Last night there was a full moon, but it seemed empty, even being that huge.
Haiz, i really hope all feelings will be forgotten, i miss waking up smiling...
Tonight was a grim reminder of what i really am. I was put here to watch, but i tried to do more. Why can't i break from this ring of uselessness, every option, every path of thought i take, i try to do it for people. But in the end i am only a bystander, a insignificant support of those who are in this story im trying to fit into.
Now i question my meaning in this world, what am i if not a watcher...
Im sorry Jie, CP, i really can't think of what else i can do but to be here for you guys.

Its been two days since my last entry, it feels so long...
I have been sleeping much for 4 days, that can't be good><. I had been working on my bridge making competition for the last two days, got burned on my hand, touched the tip of a hot glue gun lol. Also gottn my progress slip for this term, but not gona show parents until end of holiday ba. Seems like they can only see my failures but not my achievements. I know im starting to work hard already.
I don't know, i was bottling up everything i felt was happening in me for the last few days, I just feel like screaming now, ripping myself apart to find the problem. But i remember the delicate world i live in, my friends can't know, my parents can't know, seems like thats y i seek people online to tell my problems to, unlike the world i live in, u guys understand my pain. For awhile in the week, it seemed eazy to numb my feelings, to enjoy whats going on, but as time goes, and as i feel weaker each day, the energy i need to maintain that just isn't there anymore, the gates of the hell in me are weakening, like a balloon im about to pop.
I wish it would be eazier, like someone that would be there for me every second of my life, someone who would help me clean this path im in...
I know jie will be there for me, and i know ur going to ask me whats wrong, i know i will tell u about it when i figure it out, but ya, u still have ur cp and spooky to worry about so don't want to be a burden.
And now i feel like crying><, i need to scream soon, my mom, my friends, all are pushing whats legft of me to the limit. Right now i really don't want to do anything, i just want to sit and forget the pain.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK IS SO HARD TO LET GO!!!!?
I guess jie is already in msia with spooky, CP im really not sure lol, rick either sleeping or out.
Don't worry about me ok guys, enjoy urselves^^
Im just tired, confused, in pain, broken...

My name is Wei Yan(magas).Still is secondary school. Open to all around me. Lonely at times. Always wanted my own story. This is my life.

»Ray
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My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...
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"Little" Kid
Protest In Silence
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Time Is Ticking
Clear The Storm

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