Haiz, im still have the sense that something is wrong, but ya just like being alone often, im starting to get used to it. For so long it seems i have been avoiding my problems, maybe its because im afraid to face them? Afraid to know what will happen if i face them.
There are paths for all our lives, which path u take determines our futures. But sometimes, you have to look down, to see that your still on the path you want to be on.
But as you do so, u see all the dirt, all the impurities, litter that your path has. It takes a brave person to try and clean this path, facing every single problem that he comes across.
Somehow, im not that person. I constantly trouble myself over cleaning other peoples paths and not noticing my own. And each time i think, i see my path is so torn up, so destroyed that i can't even touch it anymore, only walk on it. But still, i choose to ignore it.
Now, it hurts to walk on it. I have tried before to clean it, but it just ends up with me ignoring it again.
Even now i want to help others, and continue ignoring my own, but its hard when there is pain. Still i try to put on a happy face=P.
I mean, maybe this has become a habit, ignoring my own problems. In the first place i think of myself last, so its hard to focus. I don't know, maybe i will just keep trying to smile, perhaps in awhile the pain will leave again.
Oh well, Forward is where i want to go, so time to move on...
At least now i can smile and forget it, as long as it stays im going to be fine^^

Today feels not much difference then others days, but when i think about it, seems like quite alot happened.
Started school with assembly, so falling back on old habits, most of us went to the canteen to waste time. Its like damn hot in the hall and so little space to sit, so it was uncomfortable. After that we went on a walk in the park near my school and then PE, i tripped while walking, but doesn't seem to hurt much. Finally i gave my english teacher a speech that made her shut up, i told her that she was the worst teacher, and how she is not thinking about the students like other teachers lol.
Ended school with another assembly, was abit of a concert, but i guess not really that good also.
I felt so free today, bur it was wired, i don't know. i kept feeling like jie was bothered about something. I only found out she fought with her mom later on, but she didn't want to talk about it.
I got di siao-ed on msn by my friends, but wasn't in the mood, so i just blocked them to shut them up.
I really don't know, now im still waiting for jie's reply, i think i smsed her 5 times, guess shes busy. I somehow still feel worried bout her><.
Talked to CP awhile in msn, he wanted to find a movie lol.
Now as usual, im feeling something is wrong again><, now im thinking what it could be.
Still kind of miss jie=P, hope shes ok><.

Today slack with jie and cp again^^, rick couldn't online, so that was a disappointment><.
I don't know, it feels the same as yesterday, i feel something is wrong, but i don't know what. I tried showing what CP and Jie what i meant, but ya, they turned it into a joke.
I can't show them what i feel, i think its because i see them so happy now, it will bring me guilt if i told them just like that. But at the same time, i know they want to help me, in the first place i can't even get myself to tell them, i don't know why.
Seems like theres so much i don't know><, i keep asking myself that.
I definitely can't tell my friends at school the problem, i will die if that happens><.
I wish i could just forget about it, theres so much around me happening, im surprised that i am even thinking about it.
Haiz, some feelings just don't go away.
I feel the need to constantly appear happy, i don't know if thats a mistake.
Then my tiredness, that i think can't be helped, feels no different whether i sleep long or short, as long as i slept.
Anyway, it seems like im automatically happy when im talking to people, so i only can let out my feelings here, cause i really don't feel like bringing this up in that mood. At least you guys will know whats going on with me.

Today jie and CP were online the whole day, so ya stayed with them for the whole day=P.
Even Rick was online, that was awesome, for 2 weeks there was no rick to push cp to train lol. CP seemed blunt to the max today as well.
Haiz i don't know, to me this day was suppose to be great. For the whole day i put on my happy face and tried to enjoy, but for some reason i felt like something was wrong.
CP and Jie are talking now, so i had been thinking about it.
Humans feel for a reason, there is no feeling known to us that does not have a purpose.
THEN WHY!!? Why is this one bothering me?
And whats worst, I feeling more tired with each day that passes. Im not sure if im going to wake up tomorrow as happy as today, so far it seems like a no.
Alot of people tell me to just stop thinking, but then what if its something important bothering me, and even so its completely unlike me to just leave my problems idling in my mind.
Im still wondering what could be wrong, so far there has been no answer, but ya trying hard pays off.
At least i completed my star after a week of slowly adding part by part and using up 1 tube or glue and 1.5 packet of staples lol.
I really wish this feeling would go away, there are questions that even i dare not answer...

Labels: Why can't i get a grip

Its been so long since i had felt no pain thinking about this. All the things i've done before today, everything i can't forgive myself for, and all the mistakes and emptiness i feel.
Life has been playing with my life for so long, giving me hope and then crushing it.
For awhile before, i felt like i was left for death to come, nothing left in my life to fore fill in my life. But now im closing my eyes to see all the days that have gone by, it seems so much easier to see the wrong then the right. Now i want to get out of this mind set that seems so wrong.
It feels like i have broken before and time just keeps going on and on. For so long i felt as though i took everything for granted, like a parasite on my friends, watching them to learn their mistakes instead of taking risks myself. Now it seems i stand alone again, no one seeing what i go through. But i know thats not true.
Then only now i see, all the pain, all the emptiness only hurts once, these are only broken bones, they will still heal in time.
But now, im done, im done thinking about regrets and pains, i wan to go on living this life. I want to erase what i used to be, forgive myself and let go of all that i have done.
I know no one can save me from myself, only i can put an end to this.
Haiz, i have thought to much again......
I guess today was boring overall, Joel was disturbing me as usual, and ya nothing much happened in school. These few days i felt very exhausted, i not sure why though, im sleeping better, so its not because of sleep. I don't know, whatever it is i hope it goes away soon.

I have thought through every second of my life. To tell the truth here is a moment in time that i actually feel no pain. But i thinking about what happened to get here shocks me.
So many friends have came and gone, so many dreams and wish crushed like an ant on the table. I have always wondered, how come i didn't quit life long ago, where pain was all i felt. I guess for humans, u learn to loose and let go. Even at times where people are lost and you don't seem to forget them.
Writing this reminds me of all the friends i don't see anymore, Cheng Kai, David, Spencer, Liang Kai, those who made my primary school life unforgettable. The to all the maple friends, Oreo, Chaos, Sean, and 1 im hoping will come back soon Rick. He hasn't been online to a long time now and i miss that guy.
Strangely i have found something in my life to stand for, a second more interesting purpose in my life. Even if this purpose makes sometimes hurts me as well, i enjoy knowing i am never going to be alone.
People learn to let go, it doesn't mean that they are forgotten, maybe just released from the mind and heart. In a way i think that although we don't let go without loosing as there will always be something there, dormant, waiting to be awaken inside us.
The end can never be changed, we will get hurt and we will loose people, but the same can be said about us. If we LIVE life, not regret it, people around us will not get hurt, that alone is a purpose, one that i will never forget.
It is time for everyone including me to end this thought in their head "Why did they have to go" and start thinking this "what can i do to get them back" or "Time to move on".
It is fine to think about the lost for awhile, just never let it devour your soul, your personality, YOUR LIFE. Always remember it is your life, you can't live it when you regret it.

A thought Finally rested
released from me, letting me move on

For over 2000 years now humans have kept track of time. How it seems to work has left so many amazed at its mystery, and how so many of us wish we can control it. Time feels slow at the most unhappy moments and seem to speed up at each exciting hour.
For awhile now i have wished i had more time. More time to think, more time to study, more time to enjoy. But now it seems i have lost my balance, i don't seem to see what i need to do anymore, my grades are dropping because i don't study, i don't seem to do all the things i wish to in a day, and everything i think about seems to be left each time i fall asleep at night. I never wan to stop time, but how i wish i could slow it down, even if its just for 1 day.
For so long now i have tried to help others gain balance, but it seems it is my turn. The time has come for me to step out of my cave to restore the balance that has so long been alluding me. The time where my final goal is to find a spot where i can slow down time in my mind, making each day slower and more meaningful.
To everyone in my life i wish u too know, i will always be me, this is who i am and who i want to be. You all will always see me the way i am now, but look deeper, there really is a dreamer in me, a soul wanting to achieve.
Joel, Yong Hang, Shawn, Benjamin and all the others existing in my real life, you will always see me as i am now, just abit smarter haha.
Jie, CP, Nichous, Xiao Min and the others that have been brought into my life by luck, I will always be there for you guys, and if there is ever a time that i forget this promise, may my life be cursed forever with sadness.

Last night was the worst, my handphone dropped and so many buttons were spoiled. And i really wanted to find out how jie was doing. It worked fine for awhile, but slowly got worst and worst. After jie talked to me for awhile, she said she wanted to be alone><. That made me so worried><, i tried to get the phone to work, but it was so shitily spoiled, i traded phone with my mom so that i could sms. But when i sms-ed jie, i guess she either already went to sleep or was busy with something. That only made me that much more worried and anxious to talk to her.
I guess the only time i got to talk to her was this morning, but she didn't really reply, latter in the day she told me it was cause she was sms-ing cp and ben, but ya still got worried LOL.
I think it was because of that that i kept thinking today. I wondered, how come i have been so out of touch with everyone around me, i seemed to not know what happened to them and not know y they were like that. I kept thinking why the hell i was fading in mind, how come so much is happening that i don't know. I was afraid that i was about to disappear from the picture that im in now. I was so frustrated, sad and angry at myself for letting me fall into this path of thinking. Only after i checked on jie did i break my chain of thought, she told me that she won't let me fade and would put the colour back onto me. It was so touching i teared up lol.
Later that day, i made another star, its become like a hobby. In business course was the worst, got bullied abit, and endured 1hr of boredem. The course is almost over, next week theres a holiday on tuesday and the next week is holiday week^^.
Im so glad that the day is almost over, just seems so confusing today, and i was so happy to get home, its like been a freaking long day. I really hope there is no CCA tomorrow, i haven't yet got a report for my bridge making competition, The freaking thing that is made of sticks has to support 30 FREAKING kg of weight, so i need to do some research of sound and strong structures.
Actually it sound pretty easy compared to some other competitions, i don't know, we will have to wait and see, i guess it should be triangle shaped, the hot glue has to be focused at the joints and the strings has to support it by the top.
Haiz, now actually my issue is finding the answers to all my confusing questions that keep playing in my head, ITS SO FRUSTRATING not answering them. But i guess soon they will be forgotten, lost through the endless void of time...

Today was surprising, i usually sms jie every morning, and my hand phone got confiscated when i stopped sms-ing. I dropped my hand phone during science in the lab, it was amazingly stupid LOL. And when i picked it up, my teacher thought i was using so she took it from me. Sorry jie that i didn't sms u during recess><. But i will get it back after school so i wasn't that worried bout it.
It was just because im so used to finding out how jiejie is every now and then in the day=P. So yea missed her for awhile there lol.
Joel tried to cheer me up as usual, poking me and asking his trick question LOL. Lucky it was english and i was bored, so i made another star=P.


Nice ain't it=P
I made it purple for 2 reasons, i couldn't wait to colour it black when i got home, and the thought of jie saying she wanted one^^
Just as before, Joel named it, not starmie, but COWMI=P
I noticed Shawn emo when i was done, and i really didn't was the others to know why i was being so quiet, i started to di siao him lol, it was fun^^
When i got my phone back after a 45 minute wait, i rushed to CCA to put down my bag and called jie.
And yea she is still happy from last night with cp, so i am happy too. We chatted for awhile and i told her about the star before i went into cabin for the meeting.
It was so BORING!! so i went home early=P
And yea went on maple awhile to see not many people online started staring at myself again, and think of what happened today for my blog.
And now i'm bored again><.
Haiz and i'm still haunted by what i thought of last night. I really did not have much time last night to think cause while being bored in my room, i started making a mini bow with some fixable colour pencils i had since primary school


And it works=P
i know i have alot of time^^
And yea after i heard from jie again, i started thinking since i can't use my phone. I suddenly thought of my purpose. Right now i know its to watch over jiejie, CP, and everyone else in the guild, and in life to study hard and do well. But it seems only when i have both purposes do i feel complete, and i wondered where will i go after that purpose is over. Jie said that i will be part of the story forever, that made me happy, but yea that will have to see in time^^

This weekend wasn't bad, its was my cousin's bday yesterday, so he came over for a bbq. i don't know, felt so weak that day, probably because i did not sleep the previous day. I kept thinking, about what i can only remember that it was not a painful as previous thoughts. I was dizzy most of the day, until jie and CP told to go and nap. the 1st 20 minutes was a waste, then i fell asleep for 15 minutes.
When i came back my cousin was already coming so couldn't spend much time with jie and CP, just as well he wanted to play SA lol.
When i went to help with my cousin bday, jie went to sleep so ya. In the time i was afk, me and my cousin were doing so many things lol. At 1st we dota-ed for awhile, until my cousin went to eat and i went back onl9 to pei jie.
After i offed i went to do what me and my cousin usually do, make fire=P. We filled the balloon with bug spray and covered it with party popers and yes it made a big BANG!!=P
We also made water balloons to throw at our parents since they also did it to us lol. I felt bad, so i let my cousin do the water balloon throwing haha.
The bbq was ok, but then i felt guilty that i had not spend much time with Jie or been there more for her today. She called me latter on with news that worried me even more. She cut herself on her wrist cos i wan banging my head the other day><. I'm seriously sorry jie that i did that and made u hurt yourself><. That night i talked to her, i felt so short of breath cause i was SO drained after cleaning up after my sis. So i was breathing heavily the whole time i talked to her. That night she got me thinking, and even made me cry thinking, i know when u read this u will say sorry again, but don't worry. I kind of like it, it has been awhile since that topic was reactivated in my head.
Then we fell asleep lol.
Today seemed calmer, my mom thinks i have a GF LOL, oh well, i don't so no point defending as long as i know i don't=P.
Jie and CP jus went out so ya. Today i pei jie and CP for most of the day, Nicest also joined us lol. Until CP went to play SF, jie went to sleep and nicest went to study. When i got back, only Xiao Min was online, and didn't reply much, so i checked on jie. She was getting ready to go out so ya, she pei-ed me until CP reached her house. Now i don't know what to do, i guess i will just spend some time thinking, at least thats something that keeps me from getting bored=P.
Haiz the day is ending, just don't feel like i have done enough this weekend...

For quite awhile now i have always felt emptiness in me, well today Jie, CP, Xiao Min went out together, and ya today wasn't that good to think about, so i guess i will think about it now.
Actually don't even want to think, sometimes my thoughts just drive me crazy. But im alone tonight and i don't think my mind will let me rest.
I always thought having this empty feeling in me was the worst i ever felt, but it seems so many people around me don't feel it. Up til now i figured out that must be because they don't think as much as i do. Whenever i'm alone or bored i usually sit down and think about the world around me. Its strange as i seem to be able to guess whats going to happen next. But sometimes these thoughts that keep me in the world i enjoy go out of control, just seems like i keep getting bad images of whats going to happen, or how i have been neglecting my friends. I guess this feeling inside me is cause i'm not good at letting go. Everyone i met and gotten close to, all of them have been engraved into me, and when they leave or disappear from my life, the engraving is ripped out, leaving emptiness in me.
But now, i see it in a different way. Now it seems i have found a way to forget about the emptiness, but then it makes life seem slightly meaningless. I guess, although these feelings hurt, it means i'm alive inside, it keeps me excited about tomorrow and the day after, the will to go on with this life. I know i will be hurt many many times after now, and even i have my limits at which i breakdown. But i hope i can prolong the time in which i get hurt again.
But 1 thing i'm certain now that i have figured this fact that has alluded me for so long. I AM ALIVE and theres no point wasting that life being upset about the things i can't change.
And yes i will keep thinking, there may come a time where i figure out something even greater and take a step closer to sealing the hole in me.

School is getting back to normal already. Seems like there was very few happenings today, it was so bored until i made a ninja star in class=P. There was no more paper arrowplane to throw at my english teacher so ya.

FUNNY right=P
Imagine thins flying in class lol

Other then that, my test was gd, confident in my english and physics, not so much in social studies, as expected.
Maple also gotten bck to normal, everyone is happy^^.
Oh well CA is OVER!!! WOOOOOTS
Now if onli i could relax more=P. Thats going to be abit harder be ya, hard didn't mean much before.

LOL today was so SIAN!!!!!=P
If there wasn't any good food in the canteen today i wouldn't want to go to school haha. There was a few test in school as well, not the type of test that are like 1hr long, more like short tests 30-50minutes tests. today was literature and chinese, i know i will do ok in lit, but chinese not so much.=P oh how i wish i paid more attention when i was younger lol. I don't know, like been failing it since like primary 3. But i guess this one wasn't too bad, at least im sure of some of my answers. At least thats a sign that im improoving. AHHHH but feel so drained today, i think it was last night, don't know. Tomorrow theres social studies, physics and english test, pretty sure im gona own physics and english, social studies, not as confident. Oh well i enjoy letting time tell me what my next steps are, so i guess i just let it show me the way. And yes i know i need to study, but yea i don't know whr to study yet=P. Oh ya and assembly, OMG i didn't even know there was going to be one. And OMG it was B,O,R,I,N,G. The content itself was ok but i guess i was too excited about other things happening.

Yesterday Jie told me what happen at night, don't know y i felt so much pain after i heard her reason for being sad. For that night the most i could have done for her was to pei her at as long as i can. i didn't think i managed to cheer her up much, maybe just abit.
This morning she smsed me, she told me what happen after i talked to her that night. i was still pretty blurh from waking up, an sms at midnight from her told me she also probably didn't sleep well. i smsed her most of the morning cheering her up, but wat happens in school also seems to be as interesting lol. the begining did not give me much hope as it was chinese and maths. But what she asked me at this time really hit me, she ask how do i feel towards her. i didn't know how to answer, so we decided to drop the topic, good idea too, i was afraid our friendship would be affected if i told her my feelings. after she seemed pretty cheered up, my day also got exciting as i got back to class. It was as if we were having a party, Iqbal used our class speaker to play some music, as usual me and joel brought food. I wasn't hungry so i did not eat much. Then during english we ended up throwing staplers, i don't exactly remember how it started, but it seems it was because another classmate threw the nerds sweet packet at joel. i think i was too excited cause i forgot about my injured toe, so yea, i twisted it again OUCH!!!!!
Dispite that excitment i still felt worried for my Jie until i was sure she actually smiled at work. As for my feelings, i thought about it the whole day, but i seemed to get more questions then answers. When i got home from school things kept getting better zzz......
My dad was home so i could only use my com to do homework. i talked to Jie and ya she still sounded sick><. CP smsed her and told her he was going to quit SF. i don't know what to think again, i really want to belive CP can pull it off, but time has showed that it won't happen.
Haiz life has so far been a rollercoaster ride, my real life seems to be more happy, but happy gets kind of boring after awhile. there are no problems, no one that seems to need me. Latly my maple life has been merging closly with my real life, although it only means i have more to worry about, i like it, for once in my life people need me, and i learn to need others. It has thought me to feel, to dream, and to belive that in life there are such things as stories.

Today started off normally, i had a few sms from friends comferming things and i said good morning to my jie. I was kind of excited to come home from school today cause my i wanted to pei my jie. I didn'y expect must to happen in school, was kicked out of my science class for sitting while mixxing chemicals lol. It wasn't as bad as I thought, we joke around outside of the lab haha. My toe is still injured from falling, but at least the swell is going down. After school i was so happy, Jie called me and ya sounded so sick. When i got home and went online i was even happier cause CP was also coming online. It seems so long since i talk to him lol, like maybe a week. We had a fun chat in Maple, joking around like we always do. But what i really didn't see coming was jie suddenly got so sad. She hasn't told me what happen yet, but i felt so much pain just seeing her like that.
Jie i know you probably won't read this post, but i really want to help you, seeing you like that just makes me feel so much pain. I know I often said I'm happy when I make others happy, but I'm not sure why, when you feel down or up im often feeling the same and i kind of like that. I really want to thank you for all that you have helped me through before and now i don't feel as bad as i did before, and really whenever you need me and whatever you need me for, i will be there for you, thats a promise i will keep til the day you say u don't need me.

Just made a blog today lol. Its been a good weekend, wasn't really upset this week. Life seems like such a long ride already, and there's still a long way before it ends. I always wanted one thing in my life, that is to be happy. Slowly i found that helping others achieve their dreams gave me more pleasure then accomplishing my own. My dreams are still alive, but i guess i want something more.
My name is Wei Yan(Magas) and this is my story.

My name is Wei Yan(magas).Still is secondary school. Open to all around me. Lonely at times. Always wanted my own story. This is my life.

»Ray
»Xiao Min
»Ting
»CP&TING
»Selina/DARLING

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My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...
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Time Is Ticking
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